Yesterday would have been my sister Sarah’s 45th birthday had she not died in 2004. I think about her and my sister Stephanie (Steph died in 2001) a lot, especially lately as I see Ben, Stephanie (named after my sister….they were great buddies) and Scott (who we sometimes call Sarah just to make him mad) together. Of course Stephanie is now at college, so she mostly interacts with Ben just on Skype, but Scotty and Ben hang all the time.
My sisters and I had more of an adversary relationship. They were close and I was really more of an outsider than anything. (Black sheep of the family, really, although my hair at that time was all blond I swear). Our relationship seemed to exist to aggravate each other, which I pretty much made my full time job. My younger siblings, Mike and Anna, are both at Butler now (where I went in the 1930’s) but we never grew up together. We are close, but we are also now all adults.
I guess what I am expressing is a bit of regret and perhaps even envy of my kids. My sisters and I talked about this a bit before they died, particularly my sister Stephanie and I. And though we all could pull each other’s strings, perhaps as well as even a spouse, what we all regretted was not recognizing that sooner. We wasted a lot of good time for important things as kids, and now time has been taken away. I would suppose both of them would tell me (after expressing what an idiot I was) that they were proud of me for at least fostering those things in their niece and nephews….and that I have.
Tonight Scott and Ben read some stories together, watched some TV, and now Ben is travelling around the house spouting off some ridiculous lines that his brother taught him, with Scott following him around laughing as he says them. One of them is always grabbing a foam sword and shouting something about “mateys” and “treasure,” leading to a brother’s sword fight in the living room.
Oh they do fight, not with the skill of their old man, but with the love of siblings. I know they will get to where I am with little regret, and for that I am truly thankful.
I suppose who we are develops a lot from the collective experience of our lives. My life has been quite “colorful” as they say, but despite living through the school of hard knocks, there is very little I would change. But I confess, I would change that relationship with my sisters. They were both pretty awesome people, and I missed out on a lot. That is my cross to bear, and though I cannot change it, I can and am dealing with the present and future. And one day (hopefully many years from now) when I am with them again I can apologize to them once more.
They were both pretty amazing sisters and I miss them……they taught me a lot, and I am thankful for the blessings they were (most of the time) in my life!
Goodnight my friends and God Bless!
Tommy+