Tag Archives: sleep

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The blessings and curses of nocturnal living……….

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If I just heard a fog horn, could see a light house, or had a guide dog, I might be able to get through all this fog!! I hadn’t been sleeping correctly, and the new doctor has scheduled a new sleep study on Wednesday and changed when I take some meds, but suddenly I am not sleeping hardly at all! I feel like Father Chuck who is up at all hours watching old movies! Not that they are bad, it’s just killing me during the day. I often feel as if I have turned a corner, yet find myself on the wrong street!

I have a full Sunday scheduled nonetheless. Two services and two hospital calls, and no, none of them are me! I am hoping (and praying) that by the time I get home I am exhausted and can get back on a “non-vampire” schedule. Don’t get me wrong, I love our cat, but I do not want to be up walking around at three with my eyes all dilated looking for something to do with her. I just want to sleep like a normal bloke.

Anyway, I am going to bed to pretend I can sleep. At least I will be in the right place. And if by some miracle I am able to go out, I will spend Sunday being quite thankful……as I am sure my family will do as well!

Goodnight and God bless!

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An early post while conscious………

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I am out on the back porch early tonight because I am on the edge of needing to sleep again. It concerns me, in that I want to be doing better, yet it seems each time I turn around I am taking steps backward. My daughter shared with some friends the other day that she thought I was not doing all that well (and yes, I am worried that I may have already shared that in an earlier blog), but it is on my mind.

I go the the neurologist a week from today, and Amanda is sending a note of all that she is seeing in terms of my recovery. I am willing to be more than honest with him, but I know that what you get from me really depends on the kind of day I am having. I want to make sure he has all the right information. I would hate to be put out to pasture so soon!

On the upside, I am really excited about the prospect of heading to bed early!! It amazes me how Ben throws a fit every time we make him take a nap, but I beg for the opportunity! Little does he know how very wonderful they are! He just spends most of his time playing and chasing the cat. It’s good work if you can get it.

As for me, I am just trying to make my way. Though my sermon was hard to write last week, I am already working on the next one. I am trying to read a lot to push my mind and I hope that the Lord can decipher my fragmented and confused prayers. I am thankful for my faith, and for the things I am able to do…..I just keep praying to do them better!!

Anyway, farewell from the back porch for tonight. I am out here alone, because it’s early. The cat normally sleeps 23 hours a day and saves the one hour to be out here with me for a little later in the night apparently. But I am sure she will join me tomorrow.

Keep the faith my friends, it’s worth it…..and God Bless.

Tom+

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Of zombies and the apparent treatment I am on……..

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I know studies have shown that we sleep a pretty high proportion of our lives away. But after the past few days I am hoping no one ever studies me. My post-stroke body sometimes just shuts down and sleep is about all I can do. My percentage may be pretty high!!

Fr. Sean called me tonight and I spoke with him about it. It was late and I had been awake only a few hours. I know it is probably hard for a young guy to understand that, but I know even six months ago, it would be hard for me to understand as well. It really doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change a thing. When my body shuts down, it just shuts down. And to this point I am thankful that it has not ever happened on a day I have to work!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. After all if all this sleep doesn’t make Tuesday easier, than I do not know what will. I do apologize for the lack of anything other than a report though. I really cannot do much more……one of the side-effects of these sleep days is that any and all time I am awake I am nothing more than a zombie……and as we all know, zombies don’t write good, I mean well.

Look for a well rested and amazingly inspirational me tomorrow…..or at least the well rested me.

God bless!

Tom+

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Of forced insomnia and not so forced indulgence……..

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Today I have been attempting to catch-up all day. Sometimes I feel like a real wimp, and today has been one of those days. My need to sleep clearly carried over into today, and because I had a lot to do, I ended up fighting it all day….and not very well.

But overall, it has been well worth it. The kids were at home, Fr. Sean and his friends Ben and Betsey came by for an impromptu cookout, our little Ben got a lot of attention, and I blew any hopes of eating well very early in the day. Nothing says holiday I suppose like sampling everything at a cookout. It was great, but really not what I should be doing when trying to get myself together as my body is needing rest. I know some will say, “well Tom, you only live once.” And though that may be true, in my humble opinion there really is no need to cut that life short by sprinting to the grave with a poor lifestyle. It’s funny to me that it is a lesson often learned by most of us time and time again each year (particularly at cookouts and Thanksgiving) yet most of us don’t see that lesson stick. I will do my best to make sure I get back on the right track tomorrow.

The need for sleep is still my constant companion, and the day will be done in just a few hours. But I did want to write and say that I hope you had a blessed day with family and friends (or both)! Tomorrow is another day, filled by the Lord with new opportunities to laugh, and learn, to love, and to grow. My hope and prayer for you is that it will be among your best!

Happy Labor Day my friends, and God Bless!

Fr. Tom+

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Sleeping beauty finds the bed to be crowded……..

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If you have read this for any length of time, you probably have heard me talk about how my body sometimes just needs to sleep, and there are really no other options…….it’s a pretty common thing that happens to people who have had a stroke. Sleep heals the brain, or so they say, and for me today it was about all I could do when I got home. I was exhausted, and even when Amanda talked to me after I laid down, I am sure it was like talking to someone who was semi-comatose. I slept quite some time too.

The service in Nashville went very well, though I am a bit fuzzy on the details. Everyone loved the new facility, and of course the cake afterwards was also a hit. It was a day we could all clearly see God’s blessings abound, and abound all around us! And for me those are the best days. We then all went to the St. Matthew’s brunch, which after cake, was wonderful!

Our sites are now set upon St. Paul’s in Greenfield where we will hold our first worship service on Sunday, September 7th, one week from today! I am looking so forward to it too. I would have never believed that the Lord could lead us to such a wonderful ministry.

But now I can tell you that I probably would have gotten here a lot sooner had I been listening better to His Voice. It’s easy as a priest to get lost in all the administration, development, and future planning. Where I was before I retired and came to work for the orthodox wing of the Church was all “results driven,” rather than “faith driven.” I had to fight to be faithful in an environment that was more a business than a Church. But guess what? It IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHURCH, and Churches are called to be gatherings of faithful people, prone to pray and follow the Lord rather than a business plan. They are to be led by pastors who use their Bibles over Excel spreadsheets and statistical studies. Professional growth and success never alluded me, but I can see now that I wasted a lot of precious time! Dear Lord I can see how often I got in Your Way, and for it I am truly sorry! What we are doing now is working, but it is working because we are faithful and because it is HIS CHURCH and not ours!

Anyway, I thought I was still tired, but apparently not too tired to get up on that soapbox! My writing tonight however WAS interrupted. Steph is at work, Amanda and Scott are at the grocery, and Ben was asleep in his crib when I started to type. Now, some time later, everyone is still where they were but Ben and me. He had a bad dream and now he and I are in MY bed! I am typing and he is sleeping and he is also taking up much more bed than a little guy should even be able to. But just like in my faith and ministry, I am choosing the good portion. I will remain a faithful leader, and a good dad. And Ben is welcome to hog my covers and pillow anytime!

Keep the faith my friends and God bless!

Tom+

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Of Akron, of Councils and lack of brain cells…….

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This trip has been a surprisingly difficult one for me. The stress of too much going on, the lack or rest, and the need to have my brain sharp without the capability to do so has made this exhausting! Fortunately this is our last night here. Though it is great to be around such wonderful and committed people, many of who have been longtime friends, the need to sleep in my own bed and get back to my own life is clearly my heart’s desire.

All and all however the Council Meeting has been a success. Though I have been pushed a lot further than I felt comfortable with, I am surviving. The hard part is missing the kids, which we both do. I worry about them with grandma….after all, who needs all that smiling and being told how wonderful you are?? They are all having a great time, and whenever we do get back, though they will not admit it, I am sure they will feel deep down it was a little too soon!

It really doesn’t matter because we are coming home anyhow! I have to work Sunday, and really we all do! We are leaving Deacon Dan and his wife Merry Ann, along with Father Sean in Akron for Sunday services there so they can talk to people about our work in Indiana.

Anyway, it has been a long day and I am calling it quits! Sorry for the lack of substance or depth here tonight, but my mind is absent at this point.

Nite and God bless!

Fr. Tom+

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Of the unintentional path to snoozyland…….

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Today has been a difficult day. I did way too much over the weekend, and experienced a lot of problems, particularly today. BUT, as I came into the house finally this afternoon at three and sat down to watch a little TV, my body took over……it was suddenly 7, and though I had no intention of having that happen, it was a welcome break!

I think Amanda can tell I have been struggling. She has written a few blogs for me, and I know she still would, but I want to not just dive into the safety net every time I struggle. Even without a stroke, life isn’t always easy, and I believe it really can destroy your sense of direction, and even your self-worth, if you too often take the escape routes every time something gets hard. Clearly my life is very challenging now, but if I don’t engage it, I know I will regret it later. And though it is often harder to take the path I am on, in the end I believe it is all worth it….just like the Robert Frost poem!

I know I often talk about my stroke and my struggles with it, but that’s because it is constantly in front of me. If you spend time with me, you may not see it at all, but I see it all the time. I really don’t mean to have it dominate anything I write about or talk about, but my dealing with it is part of how they say I get better. My expectations for myself are very high, yet my progress with it is way too slow (for me at least). Hopefully in time I will not think about it, or see it before me at all.

Until then, I suppose you will have to deal with me……part of your hard and uneasy path I am sure. But for now me and my struggles are going to head to bed, for intentional naps are far better than the non-intentional ones. And I am looking forward to a restful night and a peaceful end to this exhausting weekend!

Keep the faith my friends!

Tom+

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Oh I need some sleep!!!!

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One of the things that surprised me in life was being diagnosed with “sleep apnea” last December. I really didn’t want to believe it, after all I was young and in pretty good shape, but sure enough the tests showed it was not only present, but pretty severe.

So January suddenly found me in bed with a mask, a hose, and an air machine turned up so high I could use it to fly kites in my house. It scared me at first, because it was all so “space-age,” but after a few minor additions (such as the astronaut helmet, the space suit, and Little Tyke Space Rocket Steering Wheel) it all seemed rather cool. Suddenly I slept like a baby (an astronaut baby) and began waking up feeling better than I had in years.

Oddly enough though, as I have written about in this blog before, I had a stroke 3 1/2 months after going on the machine. It is supposed to help prevent them, yet I had one despite it. It not only confused me, but it also depressed me. And though I still faithfully wear it, I am beginning to notice some changes.

First of all, Amanda made me get rid of all my astronaut gear, which really makes it less exciting. And now she refuses to call me “Buzz” anymore too. But more than that, despite wearing it (I was going to say “religiously” but priests do most things that way) every night, I am beginning to feel restless, don’t sleep well, and am exhausted when I wake up. It’s just like the old days, but I do want this behind me!

Anyway, I am working to change a few things in my life in the day with the hopes I will sleep better at night. And tonight I am sneaking some Tang and string cheese (the closest thing I can find to the old “space food sticks” I enjoyed as a kid) into my nightstand. Houston may have a problem, but not me tonight. God wiling I will I will accomplish tonight’s mission and wake up well rested and refreshed, and ready to start another day!

Nite my friends…and God Bless!

Tom+

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Of overloading circuts and blessed sleep……..

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I am sitting out on that back porch again with the cat. Amanda’s mom and grandpa have headed back to their hotel and will be leaving to return to Kansas in the morning. Everyone else is in bed. It’s dark and it’s quiet, a great way to end the day.

It’s been a very busy and very taxing weekend for me…….clearly way over the top of what I am capable of doing right now. I tried to not let it all overwhelm me, but occasionally I know it showed. At the third service today Father Chuck offered to step in (thanks God) and all I had to do was the sermon. It was a great relief……I was pretty frazzled! It was nice to then just get home where I collapsed into my bed for a 4 hour nap while Amanda, Ben, her mom, and grandpa hit a few stores. Sleep is what really cures stroke problems….and it was just the thing I needed too.

Tomorrow however, will be the start of another busy week. Monday is of course Ben’s real birthday, but since we celebrated it on Saturday we do not have a lot planned. We will do a small family thing, but beyond that not too much. I do have a funeral on Tuesday,a clergy meeting in Nashville Thursday, and a wedding Saturday, all connected with other meetings throughout the week in order to prepare for them. Hopefully with a slow and steady, but forward-moving pace it will all go well. I always feel I can do it, it’s just when my body and mind act up (particularly my mind) doing things becomes difficult. It is frustrating too, because in my mind I still feel like me! I should be able to do what I always have! (My wife would tell you that my brain never really did work quite right, so I shouldn’t be worried about it….but little did she know the level of genius that existed pre-stroke. After all, you don’t look like I do and get a wife like her!!)

Anyway, my body and mind are calling me back to sleep…..so that’s where I will head. Another day is behind me, and I will toss its struggles away. Tomorrow is a big day…..our little guy turns one! Problems can wait! It’s time to play and sing….and of course get my last bit of cake for the summer!

Night and God bless!

Tom+

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A party to remember…….

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Today we celebrated Ben’s birthday with family and friends, though his birthday is really on Monday. It was a great time too. Ben had no clue as to why everyone was there. He was really quite puzzled as to why all the people were staring at him and singing, and he was even more confused as to why everyone would want to watch him eat cake. When he put his mouth down to his own personal birthday cake (it was pretty cute) everyone gasped with anticipation at the same time! It scared him to death, and he ended up crying before rediscovering the cake before him. Clearly he is my wife’s son…..she cries on her birthdays too!!

We also went down to Nashville for Church, and were traveling with Amanda’s mom and grandpa. It was a long day for everyone, and especially for Ben. He didn’t nap well because he didn’t want to miss anything, but it made for a cranky bedtime. He woke up pretty quickly and is now spending the night in our bed doing his usual routine…….loving up to his mom, and engaging with me in a territorial battle for the small space I occupy on the bed. I don’t mind, I will get him back later!

Anyway tomorrow is another big day! Thanks for checking in.

God bless.

Tom+