I have had a great week, but tonight is quite difficult. Earlier in the week I was asked to consider writing an article for a professional journal that is being developed, and enthusiastically responded. I have always thought about the possibility of writing, so I wrote and asked them to narrow a few topics, which they did.
Why is tonight difficult? Because I have exposed another big blindspot in my recovery from my stroke. Though I knew the topic(s), I clearly have lost the ability to explain it(them). I looked and looked at it, and all that came to me was confusion and even fear. I knew better than to push, so I set it aside for a few hours and came back to it again……but no. My abilities to understand complex theological concepts and explain them seems to be gone….at least for now, and this is heartbreaking to me.
In terms of my career however, I have always been a theologian for the people in the pew. It used to fry me something fierce to hear some priest talking from the pulpit in language I could never understand…..AND they were often dull and boring too! I tried to make sure I never was, nor am I now. BUT, I did learn the concepts, and I did learn to speak the language…..I just never used it. I suppose I translated more than anything…..people need to understand.
But now I am afraid a lot of that is gone. I still seem to understand the material, I just can’t seem to form it right in my mind to say or write it. Doing these blogs has been helpful to me, but remember I am not teaching anything in it. My sermons require more work than ever now, and I really struggle sometimes just to get by with them. I will look at what they wrote again tomorrow, but my brain needs a new route to get to where I need to be.
I also have had other signs that I need work that I suppose I also can confess. Though I have finished The Chronicles of Narnia series, I remember no where near what I would have pre-stroke. I am reading Basic Christianity now by John Stott, and have to reread things again and again, just to get a basic handle……not good. But all in God’s time my friends not mine. I have considered the possibility that the Lord would rather I just read the comics, but for now I will consider that just my back-up plan. I continue to work, and though I make progress it seems incredibly slow, with occasional setbacks like I have had this week…..blindspots always are!
So keep me in your prayers. I am still the smartest 47 year old priest from Mishawaka, Indiana in this house, and for now I am holding onto that. I have gotten stupid before (just ask my wife) but in time I seem to recover. This may mean this is just not my time, and if that’s the case so be it. I intend to live a long time and continue to get better. And in the meantime I will continue to read, write these blogs, and struggle through sermons.
There is light at the end of the tunnel I swear, and I am more than certain it is where I am supposed to go, and not a train!
Keep the faith!
Tom+