Today has been a bag of mixed emotions. I had trouble last night going to sleep, particularly after my wife, upon reading my last blog post, had to correct three spelling errors……including the word “priest.” You might not find that monumental yourself, but I worked very hard to check that post, and probably did so 10 times before ever posting it! It was just a glaring reminder that things are not quite right yet in my brain.

Of course I can tell. I know I am in good shape, and I know I am capable of lots of things, but when simple things require that much thought, and still produce simple right in front of you mistakes, well, you cannot help but being a bit unnerved. I laugh at my crooked smile, I make fun of searching for words, and I make the most of it all in my usual “joke about it” style. And I publicly apologize to Amanda in particular, because I understand that when I answer the phone “Eli Lilly” it’s apparently only funny to me, but to her looks like another episode. I am trying to achieve balance though, because I need my sense of humor to move ahead.

I didn’t say a lot this morning before Amanda left for work, but it worried me she was leaving. You may remember that last Monday I hosted a small party of paramedics and neighbors here in her absence, and the first part of that party I don’t remember. So as Ben and I played together in the same room this morning, it couldn’t stop going through my mind….”what if happens again?” Of course it didn’t, (at least I don’t think so!) and Ben and I are both doing great, but I suppose it will take me some time to feel totally secure about it all. Even without the memory of the episode itself, the whole thing is still pretty overwhelming.

I know I have to take it in stride though…there is an old athletic concept I have always followed called playing smarter but not harder. In my life I need to play smarter, and not concentrate upon the things of which I have no control, just upon the ones of which I do. I know I have some struggles, but really they are relatively few, and though they still bother me, being sucked into them only makes me less effective. Ironically, I just want to get back to normal, and yes, I hear the snickers…..normal for me probably isn’t normal for you or many others!

I go to the neurologist tomorrow for my follow up appointment and will hear the plan. But most of all I will apologize for any mistakes in this post today…..I have re-read it, and I swear I have spell-checked it many times over…..but I am playing smarter. After all, I am married and still need my wife to come and tell me where I have been wrong!

Peace my friends, and let’s move ahead!

Fr. Tom+