difficult | Father Tom Tirman OSM

I have had a great week, but tonight is quite difficult. Earlier in the week I was asked to consider writing an article for a professional journal that is being developed, and enthusiastically responded. I have always thought about the possibility of writing, so I wrote and asked them to narrow a few topics, which they did.

Why is tonight difficult? Because I have exposed another big blindspot in my recovery from my stroke. Though I knew the topic(s), I clearly have lost the ability to explain it(them). I looked and looked at it, and all that came to me was confusion and even fear. I knew better than to push, so I set it aside for a few hours and came back to it again……but no. My abilities to understand complex theological concepts and explain them seems to be gone….at least for now, and this is heartbreaking to me.

In terms of my career however, I have always been a theologian for the people in the pew. It used to fry me something fierce to hear some priest talking from the pulpit in language I could never understand…..AND they were often dull and boring too! I tried to make sure I never was, nor am I now. BUT, I did learn the concepts, and I did learn to speak the language…..I just never used it. I suppose I translated more than anything…..people need to understand.

But now I am afraid a lot of that is gone. I still seem to understand the material, I just can’t seem to form it right in my mind to say or write it. Doing these blogs has been helpful to me, but remember I am not teaching anything in it. My sermons require more work than ever now, and I really struggle sometimes just to get by with them. I will look at what they wrote again tomorrow, but my brain needs a new route to get to where I need to be.

I also have had other signs that I need work that I suppose I also can confess. Though I have finished The Chronicles of Narnia series, I remember no where near what I would have pre-stroke. I am reading Basic Christianity now by John Stott, and have to reread things again and again, just to get a basic handle……not good. But all in God’s time my friends not mine. I have considered the possibility that the Lord would rather I just read the comics, but for now I will consider that just my back-up plan. I continue to work, and though I make progress it seems incredibly slow, with occasional setbacks like I have had this week…..blindspots always are!

So keep me in your prayers. I am still the smartest 47 year old priest from Mishawaka, Indiana in this house, and for now I am holding onto that. I have gotten stupid before (just ask my wife) but in time I seem to recover. This may mean this is just not my time, and if that’s the case so be it. I intend to live a long time and continue to get better. And in the meantime I will continue to read, write these blogs, and struggle through sermons.

There is light at the end of the tunnel I swear, and I am more than certain it is where I am supposed to go, and not a train!

Keep the faith!

Tom+

Today was a day that I clearly did too much. I worked, Scotty and I mowed and trimmed two lawns, I went to my first session of speech therapy (I know I really drug my feet about getting there) and then we went to dinner with my dad. And by the time we were at dinner, it was clear to everyone that I was a bit dazed.

Of course when we got home it was still pretty early, so in my infinite brilliance I thought I would do more. I started reading that “My Stroke of Insight” book I talked about a few days back. The second and third chapters were on the science of the brain, and sadly they were just what I needed to spill over the top. I have clearly discovered another blindspot and it was very frustrating. It was as if my brain was nailed in place to those pages. I would read paragraphs over and over, yet nothing would stick. I would concentrate and be very intentional about maybe just one of them (the paragraphs, just trying to finish ONE) and find myself moments later thinking intently about something else, even though my eyes were still locked on that book in the same place. In saner moments, I would put something like that down, justifying it by admitting it was not my day. But not today! I was going to be a bull and push right through. I was tired, irritated, frustrated and clearly by this point downright stupid. I placed myself smack-dab in the middle of the china shop, and worse yet, it was filled with Tiffany Crystal……..

One of the eerie things about recovery, at least for me, is the unique sense of awareness I possess of what is happening with me and within me while quite often lacking the ability to do anything about it. That was happening here. The speech therapist yesterday mentioned helping me develop those skills, but sadly the day had its way with me before they arrived.

Tomorrow will be a better day, Lord knows it has to be. I know I am difficult to deal with, and no one knows that better than me. And the guilt I carry about that, though typical/normal is just another issue for me to get through.

Let me say this…….my wife and kids are saints for helping me through this, and though it is still a long road to travel, I intend to make it up to them. In the meantime, ice cream is going to have to go a long way!

Keep praying…..I am going to get there!

Tom+

Father Tom Tirman OSM

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