Though I am out of the hospital and doing (in my mind) just fine, as I have been thinking about my experience. And one of the things that remember is the graciousness and care of the many people who took care of me and performed all those tests. It must be a difficult job, after all, I am pretty certain I am one of the world’s worst patients….okay I know I am.
Many of my tests of course were on my brain and my heart. And in each room, in my anxiety-ridden state I would say (to help me get through it), “My wife just wants to see to see if I have a heart/brain.” Or after the test I would ask, “Doc, (with stuttering….we have to stay in the scene) can you please tell her you found a heart/brain?” Each time they smiled and they laughed, and they acted like it was the first time they had ever heard those jokes, when in fact they probably hear them at least 10 times each day! (DOCTOR’S REPORT: Incidentally I did show the existience of BOTH a heart and a brain, and though that puzzled Amanda very much, (as it would many wives) apparently the docs told her you cannot have strokes without both)
What I can say from all of this it that it is has provided me with a helpful perspective to have as a priest…..a look from the other side of the hospital bed. Not that all this is behind me by any means, but because hospitals and patients within them are such a constant part of my life. Fear, anxiety, pain, illness, family-issues, tons of things come into play when something goes haywire with a loved one’s health. And the dynamic of all of these scenarios is often as varied as the people and the experiences they are going through. I understand, I had a stroke, but after a few days they let me walk by myself, and when they did I was up doing laps in the hall. I had the drive, but I also had the ability, albiet with some struggle. But some of my cellmates there will never walk again, and some are still there fighting. The truth is, how we all deal with issues such as these are important, and how we deal with the people struggling through them is important too. Only the jokes to get us by and the sexy hospital gowns appeared to be the same…everything else seems patient-specific.
I want you to know that I’ll be back, and I intend to be back to that very floor within weeks. I’m going to dress a little different when I go, so people don’t have to ask anymore, “Are you REALLY a priest?” But I know what it is to feel the things I did last week, and there were many troubling and fearful thoughts. But they cared for me, during a time I was really struggling, with anxiety-laden jokes and all.
The good news however, is that within me they found both a heart and a brain.
I have every intention of using them.
God Bless…
Fr. Tom+