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Fuzzy Wuzzy needs a brain…or at least one that isn’t fuzzy. Or does he?

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I feel like I am in training….and oh how do I wish this were just a sport. How I wish it were a matter of me just running further or lifting a few more weights. How I wish it were a matter of just eating right and doing the right things. What makes this a challenge is that it is my brain…and all I want to do is get it to work normal…..okay, normal for me.

The last few days for me have been challenging. My job often deals with hard issues. Often stress is high, and these past few days have provided me plenty….actually enough stress for us all! The byproduct of all the stress has been frustrating too. I have been stuttering a lot since Thursday. The fuzziness that disappeared for a few days is back sporadically since then as well. I know I need to rest, but I also know I need to work to get better. I know I need to think and talk to get where I want to be, and that is the real training for me. Yet when things are foggy and choppy, it makes it harder to move ahead. I believe it is what they call a “Catch-22′” but it really feels like treading water! I need balance, and to ease in, but life doesn’t often meter itself. This past week it has been a bit out of whack.

Here’s some truth I would like to share. I know I often say I am fine, because in my heart I have to hear and believe I am in order to move ahead. Yet I know I really am not…at least not 100%. I know I am nowhere near 100%. I am more aware than anyone that my body and my manner were not like this a month ago, and if this blog is really going to be an honest report to others about how I am doing, and a part of my work to get back to that normal, then I need to be honest with you AND with myself.

I have to keep at it, and I am. Today was a little better, and I hope tomorrow takes me further towards complete recovery. But, if I have to take a few steps back occasionally, so be it. The key is to trust that the Lord will keep me on the road to healing.

In truth, I have to trust Him…..my mind is too fuzzy….too fuzzy in fact right now to put together anything more that makes sense…

As frustrating as it seems I will not worry about it. Tomorrow is another day!

Keep praying!

Fr. Tom+

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Of walking in the fire swamp……..

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I have two movies I am very fond of, one ironically is “A Beautiful Mind,” and the other could be no further from it, “The Princess Bride.” And, as I have worked to recover my mind both have become pretty inspirational to me.

It’s not as if I have lost it, or as if I walk around grasping and groping for answers, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. What I deal with is lots of progress littered with periods of struggle and frustration. Clearly these periods have cause, after all I have had a stroke, but they are exasperated by things that I have been able to identify, and right now I am making a list.

I am no doubt worse when I get tired, and I tire more easily than before. Stress can also set off stuttering and confusion, and that stuttering and confusion can lead to frustration. It has been a stressful week for me, and as I attempt to step back into my job, things happen that cause me the very stress that triggers the episodes. Yet, (yes I know the question, why don’t you just take more time off?) when I do nothing, I get down and depressed, and that causes even more struggle. In truth, like all stroke patients, in order to get better, I need to learn to walk here…..and that’s where The Princess Bride comes in.

There’s a little remembered scene in the movie where the hero and heroine, not by choice but by necessity, need to travel through a treacherous place where no one has ever been known to survive. It’s known as the fire swamp. What they find however in being there, is that if they pay attention to the things that can hurt them, if they study them and learn from them, that they too can learn to walk there……and they do. They survive.

I too will survive, because I am committed to learning and walking ahead. Being a priest has always been great for me, but in over 18 years as one, it has never been easy. You do your best, despite the perils of the fire swamp, and work to make it through, not because of anything other than being called.

I am still walking there and learning as I do. I have every intention of coming out safely on the other side.

Keep praying for me! I appreciate it.

Fr. Tom+

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Of lists, memory, progress and priests….

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Okay, clearly I lost a day…..but not bad all things considered. I am trying to move away from very detailed lists and working hard to work on remembering. I told Amanda that I thought I was taller and better looking than I was pre-stroke, so clearly I have a bit of work to do, but the big thing is that moving ahead energizes me and that I want to get to where I need to be! I remember saying a few days ago that no one bats 1000 for very long, and it’s the truth. In my (former) athletic mind I know I have to WORK to get better, and I also know that you never win every game. I want you to know that I don’t expect to….what I expect is to move toward winning most of the time. ANd, I think I am closer to that each day!

As a side-note, I want to share, and ask you to rejoice with me, in the celebration for the ordination of a few of my good friends to the priesthood last night in Akron, Ohio. I was so very sorry I could not make the trip to be there, but they were in my thoughts and prayers. They started the day as deacons, and finished as priests….but as I know, it of course is more of a starting line than a destination. I do however rejoice in that these men are not just high quality and qualified candidates for this, they are also my friends! Please join me in rejoicing for their ordinations. They are Sean Templeton of Holy Trinity, Milan Ohio, Kevin Maney of St Matthew’s, Westerville Ohio, Greg Heath of St Anne-in-the-Fields, Madison Ohio, David Smith of Good Samaritan, Cleveland Heights Ohio, and Jeremy Lile of St Luke’s, Akron Ohio!

Thanks for remembering me today in your prayers and please pray for my family, particularly for my wife. Amanda has a hard job even when I am healthy! And, even with my recuperating mind, I still worry about her.

I am glad I remembered today!! Let’s see how I do tomorrow!

Peace!

Fr. Tom+

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Of busy bees, brains, and brawn……..

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Under the circumstances, I suppose I should be happy to remember to post, especially since the tardiness in this case is not a product of my damaged brain as much as it is just being busy. For me, I believe that is a good thing, in that I seem to be thriving and showing a lot of progress as I give myself things to do. Being busy has been a real blessing for me, and it has focused my attention and energy upon life rather than illness.

I have another busy day ahead, but I just wanted to say thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers. It seems to be making a difference….after all I know the busy bee always gets the worm.

I know, I know……I am not quite right. But then again, I never really was! But I am getting stronger every day!

Keep praying and thanks!

Fr. Tom+

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Happy Birthday Grandma!!!

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It is a big day! Today my grandma turns 92. And though I will not get to see her on her birthday, I do intend to give her a call later this evening.

My grandma was, and is, a big part of my life. She still lives on her own in an apartment in a retirement center about the size of Texas in Goshen, Indiana. She is very active. She still volunteers, she JUST stopped driving (she had a sporty Mercury Cougar), and though she has one of those wheeled walkers with the seat, the storage compartment, and the hand brakes (it’s not as sporty as her Cougar but quite plain……you see them everywhere now) she really doesn’t even need it. She uses it to get back and forth to the mailbox and dining area…..at 92 her apartment is at the very end of her building and the furthest away.

My grandparents have always been such a big part of my life. Just about every weekend I was down at their house, which was 20 miles from where I grew up, and all the time in the summers. So I suppose Goshen is my adopted home town, and of course my grandma’s home still.

At 92 my grandma is still the same….a comforting constant in my life. She still does puzzles, she still keeps up on everything in our family and gives great advice, and she never misses sending a card or a note. And when I was a kid she and I would sit on the front porch together eating grapes, peanut M&M’s and back then she would have a Coke and I a Fresca! You never left her house without a “goodie bag,” and even though those front porch memories are over 40 years old, if you open the first drawer on the right in her kitchen, you will find it loaded with all you would ever need to make one of those bags.

I am the man I am today because of my grandparents, and no,that is not assigning blame!!! I am thankful for it!! She even gave me advice on my stroke….she herself had a devastating one she fully recovered from in her 50’s.

Happy Birthday Grandma. I love you. Thanks for loving me and caring for me. I will see you very soon. I am so very blessed to have you in my life.

Tom+

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A glimpse of clarity…..

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Though I have lived a life where I have not been a stranger to struggle, often the struggles I have dealt with have been physical, or they have been things that I can at least see or understand the path for dealing with. So much of what I have been dealing with in terms of stroke recovery however has been difficult, primarily because the issues I deal with now surround my brain! And of course when what you need to deal with is the very thing not working like you want it to, it’s often hard to see the forest through the trees.

So I left the world of specialists today, and went in to see my own doctor. It wasn’t that I was dissatisfied with anything, nor was I expecting anything either…..I just wanted to talk to about all of the things I was dealing with and how I was feeling about them with him. I not only trust him completely, but even in my professional career, I consider him one of the finest doctors I have even known. And with my racing mind, it was great to sit down with him (and my list of questions – Amanda sent a list too) and get some answers.

I have to say, he made me feel a lot better. I know I have a lot to deal with as I move ahead, but his calm demeanor, and his assurance I was going to be fine (back to normal again, though it will take time) really was helpful to me.

I think some of the comfort I found was in the fact that my visit reminded me of when I was a kid. As a kid my doctor was, among so many other things, a pediatrician, an orthopedic, a surgeon, and even a counselor…..it was before all the specialization, but in reality, they were the best specialists of all….they KNEW YOU, and they knew all about you. You trusted them, because they were like family, they always fixed you up and got you better, and they looked after all your care. My doctor today didn’t listen to my heart, he listened to me…..and he made all the difference.

So here’s to my doctor and others like them………they’re the greatest!

God Bless..

Fr. Tom+

There was a great deal of security for me to hear what he had to say, plus it gave me a great deal of confidence. I trust him

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Of victories and vision……….

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Today was a spectacular day. I was able to finish a sermon, deliver it in two missions, and celebrate in both places as well. It was not very eloquent, nor was it very smooth in parts, but all things considered I was very pleased. It felt good to be back doing what I love to do.

There seems to be a lot more flow to my thoughts and my direction when I am writing, over just speaking the things that I think. The visual of writing what I would say provided me the framework I was able to walk within. It was still difficult at times, but in the end quite workable. As I said, it just felt good, and though I know people worried, it was an important step for me to take.

My sermon is now posted online for people to listen to if they would like, and other pre-stroke ones are on there too. I really do want to know if there is a big difference, but it sort of scares me to compare. You see, I can tell and I know I am not where I want to be……and though I am certainly curious, hearing myself struggle at all probably do not serve me well at all. I really do already know what I sound like, and I also already know I don’t intend to sound like that for long!

It was just so very good to be back among such good Christian people. My intention now is not just to be back, but to stay back for the rest of the time the good Lord intends for me to. I’m figuring maybe another 40 or 50 years. It gives me plenty of time to work on my thoughts and my speech….and Lord knows…..I need it!

Speaking a little clearer and straighter each and every day…….

God Bless!

Fr. Tom+

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Of good days and bad……no one ever bats 1000

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Today has been a pretty good day, at least when you look at it as a whole. It started early, and it will end late, and all the little pieces that were inbetween seemed to fit together pretty well.

I am posting this late, because I have been gone the entire day. I was excited to get home and do so…..but the struggles I sometimes endure can occasionally become overwhelming….and they were as we got home. I was going to say, “you know it’s funny,” but it really is not…….it’s actually quite frustrating. I know what is right, and I know what I think, and I even know what to do…….but when I cannot do any of them, it’s hard not to melt down (inside and out). I know that seems to be thinking outloud…..like people can hear my inner monologue, but I want you to know. You see I think, I understand, I know, and I can……but having all that doesn’t stop me from misfiring. I don’t suppose that makes sense, and that’s part of the problem too. I read about strokes, I talk to people who have had them and treat them, yet I am often puzzled. I suppose that’s part of it, but when I heard the word “mild” I just expected “easier.”

I know that no one bats 1000, at least for not very long, and I know my average is very high. But I am not the most patient of sorts, nor do I ever set my bar too low. I am just working my way back to normal, and with God’s grace and your prayers I hope to get there……if I get my way, in about 15 minutes!

You keep praying…..and I’ll keep at it.

Fr. Tom+

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Priming the pump……

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Today is a big day for me. Of all the days since my stroke, it is the most ambitious day for me of all. Today, I will attempt to both write and practice a sermon for this Sunday. I think it will be fine, after all I have been writing pretty well for days and everything seems to be getting better. I just need to see if my thoughts and my words come together comfortably, but even more than that, reading and speaking together in such a way are yet to be attempted, let alone to do in in front of people, so I need to see if it works. There are lots of little hurdles, all of which I intend to clear, but they are ones that are still in front of me. I am not worried about it all that much….I am really more excited to get over them.

It reminded me of an old lawnmower I used to have…..it was pretty hard to start. Every time the grass would get long, I would have to take the top off the air filter and spray a little fuel into the carburetor in order to, as they say, “prime the pump.” In doing so, I was giving it a little help to get it started. Once it got running, it was fine and ran like a champ. It was just a little hard to get going when it was cold.

I suppose however, we all are. I am aware, more than anyone, of my condition, and I am always learning more each and every moment about my current abilities and limitations. The keyword however, is “current.” Because with hard work and dedication, and even with a little priming, abilities can be increased and limitations exceeded…..or better yet left far behind.

As most of you may know, I coach high school lacrosse and was (and need to be again) an athlete. There’s a saying I always remember and share with my players, not just applicable in sports, but in life…..”live to play another day.” When we go overboard, we take ourselves out. When we do too little or not enough, we never get to where we need to be. As for me, I’m doing what I should. I am priming that pump and mooooving ahead (yes, a cow joke….I am from Indiana) but I am excited, ecstatic in fact to do so!

Keep praying for me. I need not walk here alone! The Lord is always with us, but we always enjoy His greatest blessings when we are walking together.

I hope to see everyone on Sunday!

Fr. Tom+

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Of jokes, recovery and healing………

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Though I am out of the hospital and doing (in my mind) just fine, as I have been thinking about my experience. And one of the things that remember is the graciousness and care of the many people who took care of me and performed all those tests. It must be a difficult job, after all, I am pretty certain I am one of the world’s worst patients….okay I know I am.

Many of my tests of course were on my brain and my heart. And in each room, in my anxiety-ridden state I would say (to help me get through it), “My wife just wants to see to see if I have a heart/brain.” Or after the test I would ask, “Doc, (with stuttering….we have to stay in the scene) can you please tell her you found a heart/brain?” Each time they smiled and they laughed, and they acted like it was the first time they had ever heard those jokes, when in fact they probably hear them at least 10 times each day! (DOCTOR’S REPORT: Incidentally I did show the existience of BOTH a heart and a brain, and though that puzzled Amanda very much, (as it would many wives) apparently the docs told her you cannot have strokes without both)

What I can say from all of this it that it is has provided me with a helpful perspective to have as a priest…..a look from the other side of the hospital bed. Not that all this is behind me by any means, but because hospitals and patients within them are such a constant part of my life. Fear, anxiety, pain, illness, family-issues, tons of things come into play when something goes haywire with a loved one’s health. And the dynamic of all of these scenarios is often as varied as the people and the experiences they are going through. I understand, I had a stroke, but after a few days they let me walk by myself, and when they did I was up doing laps in the hall. I had the drive, but I also had the ability, albiet with some struggle. But some of my cellmates there will never walk again, and some are still there fighting. The truth is, how we all deal with issues such as these are important, and how we deal with the people struggling through them is important too. Only the jokes to get us by and the sexy hospital gowns appeared to be the same…everything else seems patient-specific.

I want you to know that I’ll be back, and I intend to be back to that very floor within weeks. I’m going to dress a little different when I go, so people don’t have to ask anymore, “Are you REALLY a priest?” But I know what it is to feel the things I did last week, and there were many troubling and fearful thoughts. But they cared for me, during a time I was really struggling, with anxiety-laden jokes and all.

The good news however, is that within me they found both a heart and a brain.

I have every intention of using them.

God Bless…

Fr. Tom+