This year is different……yes, we are ready to celebrate the joy of Christmas, but for the first year in close to 25 I will not be the Celebrant at a Mass within a Church.  I will be the Celebrant for our family’s Mass tomorrow, but for tonight we will just wait in anticipation.

I confess, it feels pretty weird.  Yet oddly enough it will solve an issue for me.  When I was a young man you could go to “Midnight Mass” with the idea that you would receive Communion on Christmas. But as my ministry progressed, more and more we saw the services moving earlier on the 24th.  And in fact in many of the Churches I served I could be home well before midnight.  And for years I even kept up Christmas Day Mass at the Church, but it was often just me and one or two others.  Tonight however, I will not do a thing and tomorrow I can finally conquer that theological issue I have fought deep within myself.

And this is not meant to be critical, as the celebration of Christmas is as deeply personal and varied as every human heart the Son of God was born to enter.  We each need to find our own way in this as God calls each one of us by name.  I just felt conflicted about it for myself.

But in a very real way, this has been healthy for me.  I am not gone from my family traveling and doing services, I am present and helping out.  And I will not be that exhausted “guest who lives here” tomorrow, I can be the man I am called to be, a father to my kids and that great trophy husband my wife can’t live without.  It’s actually pretty cool.

But regardless of how I feel, Christ is born nonetheless.  Yes, we are prepared, and yes we will celebrate.  But for now I am just thankful for the gifts He has bestowed upon me and the family (minus that one US Marine and future daughter-in-law) he has given me to enjoy!

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

This picture is just about a month old, and before anyone gets offended let me share that this is my grandparents’ grave, and this is just one of my very regular trips there to fulfill a promise to my grandfather to go there (with my kids) and have fun.  And quite honestly, this is pretty tame.  All three kids have gone there often, and all three can tell you of the fun they have there.

Oddly enough, I have been going there for years, even many before either of them died, as my grandfather would take me there.  No, he was not morbid……he was loving.  And he took me there while he was alive to prepare me for the years I would be there and he and my grandma would not be. He used to say, “Someday you will be here without me, and it will be alright.”  He wanted it to be a place that I could come and remember, not sadness or pain, but the good things.  He wanted it to be a happy place where I could come or me with my family and we could laugh and play and I could share many of the good things and times we had together and their hopes for us all.  And it has worked.  I have been their sad on only two occasions, the days that each of them were buried there.  But even then, I came to my senses (on my grandpa’s burial date abruptly as I snuck there alone after the funeral). I was there and they weren’t.  And I realized that all of those times he took me out there were to prepare me for those two days.  It was an awesome gift.

But more than that, it is a constant gift to me as the cemetery is not a place for me to mourn, but one that I go to remember joy.  My grandpa wanted my kids to play there, and they always have and they still do…..ALL of them.  And in the midst of some of my deepest struggles in my life I have found myself there (sure I pray too and do the whole Church-thing as I am a priest and it’s sort of “required”).  It is a place that centers me and reminds me of what the important things in my life are.

No, it’s not a shrine, nor does it hold any mystical powers, nor are they there as they are at home in heaven.  Only their bodies remain.  But to me it is a place of tremendous joy.  Oh how I miss them! But for the Lion’s Share of my life I was so incredibly blessed. And I thank God for the opportunities I have for the rest of my life to make good on my promise and to hopefully pass on to our children a bit of that blessing for them to enjoy as well.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

Well this picture is months old, and I am really unaware as to whether or not I have used it before, but those reindeer antlers were at Meijer, and probably on sale, and all three of the kids have no problem looking goofy in public.

But tonight it made me laugh.  It is 3 days before Christmas and two before a lot of church services that for the first time in over a quarter of a century I will not be the Celebrant at.  One of the things that has happened over these past few months is that I have resigned my position as Rector (head priest) of all the churches I helped plant.  But for them I am not worried, as they do not have “new” leadership, but really the same leadership.  The very ones who help plant alongside me are now the very ones at the helm.  And I am now really working hard to assess my role in the future.  I am still technically on staff, but I feel deeply that I could also be a distraction.  But on the upside, we have spent quite a long time lessening my public role and increasing theirs.  For most people attending, I would like to imagine, it is not an uncomfortable transition.

I will confess however that it is clearly one for me.  I was a student, then a priest…….I have been nothing else.  Not Celebrating on Christmas, or really any Sunday is a big change for me and one that fills me with angst.  Yes, I am still the head of the Order, yet in these changes even that had changed significantly.  And all tonight’s picture reminded me of was my desire for the simpler, although stressful yet familiar, feelings of the huge responsibilities of the next week.  I would have looked at it and though, “well thank God I still have this deranged Meijer Rudolph to get me through.”  I could laugh it off and survive it.

But perhaps these transitions really reflect the fact that I am being called to different things.  Time will tell, but I clearly see movement and signs.  I will just pray Fr. PT and the other clergy see the path before them and walk it faithfully.  They are good men, exceptional ones in fact, and they will be a blessing to many I am sure.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

I always wondered why our dog Viper never, like most dogs, chews the squeakers out of his dog toys. He is not typical in so many ways, but in this way he distances himself from any other dog we have ever owned. (Okay, we have never “owned” dogs….they are ALWAYS just family)

But I suppose one of the reasons could be that our dogs are part of what you would not consider a typical family.  Our home environment and our life could be seen as fostering this lack of squeaker OCD in our dogs.

Case in point is tonight’s picture, which is of all three of Viper’s chew toys.  For you see although in most families each might have a call name like “squirrel” or “chipmunk” or “bunny,” in ours the names are more descriptive.  Thus you are looking at “The Squirrel of Pain,” and “The Bunny of Peace” and “The Chipmunk of Consternation,” who Ben calls “The Chipmunk of Disagreement” as he cannot say “consternation.”  And of course there is a big difference between disagreement and consternation, but neither Ben nor Viper seem to mind. The both just seem to accept and live well in their relationship filled with artificial rodents.

Quite interesting enough, The Squirrel of Pain is actually not the original.  We feel the original IS somewhere on our property (probably being held somewhere by the cat) but the second one (pictured here) is its replacement, or perhaps better said, the spare.  In theological terms we might call the missing rodent Squirrel of Pain the Great, while the one pictured Squirrel of Pain the Less.  But seeing as Ben (who is just 6) is struggling with understanding consternation, I think my hopes for the whole theological thing may be as realistic as my professional ice hockey career…..it only exists in my mind.

But of it all I do not worry.  Our life is fun, full of adventure and surprise, and lots of old but still functional squeaky dog toys.

I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless.

Tommy+

It has been a long and challenging few months for me, but I am happy to profess that I am back in the saddle again.   And although I would have rather just played life straight up, I have benefited quite a bit by this detour.

First of all I want to make clear……no, I did not have some mid-life crisis or did I head off on some journey to “find myself,” in fact I am pretty confident I have known myself the whole time.  It is just that sometimes when there are too many balls in the air one needs to set some aside in order to make sure all of them are not dropped to the ground.  And, so we can also be clear, I felt it was probably a good idea to set a few things like my blog aside over saying to my wife, “listen, why don’t I just stop pulling my weight around here?”  One leads to praise, the other to homicide.  (We should also remember that my wife is a scientist by training and could really make anything look like an accident….I am just thankful she loves me.)

But instead of sharing with you the details, I will leave it to your imaginations.  Sure, I know what that leads to……some will conjure up the negative and some will head towards the positive, but despite that, I will keep those parts of my life private.

On the catch up front however there is much to report.  Scotty is now a Lance Corporal and ENGAGED to a very wonderful young woman (Kenzie).  They will be married this summer.  Steph is now half way through her senior year and will finish with a degree in CHEMISTRY (I need to have her DNA checked) and all while playing for one of the best D2 college lacrosse programs in the nation. Amanda is as busy as ever and has now gotten into Thirty-One products as she loves them.  Viper just had a MAJOR surgery to remove his spleen and is doing great!  And Ben, well let’s just say he is just Ben.  He now has a yellow belt with a green tip in Tae Kwon Do and as I just found out since he just came into my office…..PINK EYE.  He’s showing everyone.

So in a lot of ways life is very much the same.  In the past few months I have done a lot of soul-searching and gained a lot of depth.  And all I can say is that it has been worth it.

I’ll see you tomorrow!

Good night my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

This blog tonight is the “rehearsal dinner” to the big event, my last blog post for 30 days (at least) as I go off to get my life and my thoughts and my ministry focused an together.  It is a serious and daunting task, yet one I seem to have a strange attraction to.  I suppose my mom (God rest her soul) would say that this perception actually show s some sanity, but in all honesty, I do not believe my mom was convinced that a lot I was doing with my life held any particles of sanity at all.  So this is not quite non-fiction, but more of “speculative fiction.”

But tonight my Mother-in-Law arrived and we went out for her birthday which is tomorrow.  She is an incredible woman, and tremendously supportive of Amanda and I, and I appreciate her being here as I move through this discernment/sabbatical.

I will write more tomorrow as I am SO FAR behind.  But I look forward to sharing where I am heading and what the future brings……and its Genesis is all tomorrow.

In the meantime, please enjoy this wonderful picture of Ben and Kenzie celebrating our anniversary without Scott!  He still thinks she will bag Scotty for him!

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

Generally, anniversaries are not times meant to be miserable, but in my defense we went to Outback Steakhouse for lunch today in Bloomington (Amanda, Ben, Kenzie, and I) and I went OFF my diet AND onto the shortlist for needing to wear sweatpants everywhere.  We ate a little after noon, (time-wise, not quantity-wise) and quite honestly tonight I believe I will not ever need to eat again.

And with that, I am so thankful we exchanged gifts last night as I feel like I need to hibernate more than pay attention.  But I am taking the time to write this as I did want to share this joyous day.  All in all, we really did have a great time, and getting to share it with Kenzie was a real plus.  And even more than that, although I see it everyday (okay, most days) it is very easy to see how very blessed I am to be married to my wife.  She puts up with a lot, and today probably about 30 pounds more.

But we are home now and can call it a day.  She works early tomorrow, Ben starts school at 8:30, and a lot of work will take place before we welcome our favorite nomad (Amanda’s mom) back home.  It is too bad she couldn’t join us today for our anniversary, but we will have her here for her birthday on Tuesday!  I however will probably still not be eating.

Anyway, Happy Anniversary to my bride, and happy Sunday to you!  And let’s all pray for a Bear’s WIN tonight, as to me that would make feeling the way I do much much better!

Goodnight and God Bless!

Tommy+

I am sitting here in my office on a Saturday night with Ben’s cat sitting in one of the chairs across from my desk staring me down.  It doesn’t creep me out at all as if you go way back in these posts you know that the cat used to do this out when I typed on the back porch every night at our old house.  It kind of makes it special.

But tomorrow is our anniversary, and since I am in Nashville for services tomorrow we decided to at least exchange our gifts tonight.  Ben drew us a picture/card and he put it in a frame that I bought.  And we just enjoyed ourselves before parting and heading off to do our work tonight (sermons, Sunday School, and such)

So the cat and I are typing, the dog and Amanda are making gift baskets, Ben is sleeping, and I am exhausted.  I failed to mention two things……one, I am not done with my sermon and two, the window on the driver’s door of my truck popped out of its frame a couple of hours ago.  AND, since I am driving it tomorrow VERY EARLY, I had to take apart the entire door, reset the window and get the door back on.  It was time I really didn’t have, but in all honesty I was glad that we celebrated our anniversary BEFORE I was in a foul mood.

Oh we will celebrate tomorrow too.  We always go to dinner and often with the kids.  Steph and Scotty cannot be here, but Ben will be and Scotty’s girlfriend Kenzie will join us too….it should be a great time.

But for now, the cat and I have a sermon to finish…..after of course I check her for weapons.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless.

Tommy+

I actually think the white gloves are a part of his Dress Blues, because Scotty’s girlfriend Kenzie is a pretty dang good rugby player, so I am pretty sure that she is not afraid of cooties.  Plus, US Marines from what I understand do not believe in cooties, so all I am saying is those are HIS gloves, part of his uniform, and just enjoy the picture.

Yes, Lance Corporal Scott Tirman came home two weeks ago, as it was Kenzie’s birthday.  And to remember the occasion they had our friend Danielle, who did the pictures at our wedding, do some for them downtown.  And I have to say that the pictures are pretty great to see.  We see the two of them in regular life most of the time, but the dressing up is pretty great.  They are a great couple, very good for each other, and they love to have fun.  And as I was not invited to their private dinner, the pictures were great to see.

As I have said before, I personally would have loved to have earned the honor of that uniform, but I chose a different route.  I hardly think it appropriate for Amanda and I to go downtown and take romantic pictures with her in a nice dress and me in my habit, plus as I have been told, it really doesn’t make me look very sexy.  It is a mark of consecration, like other clergy wear, yet it too, like a uniform is earned.  Being an abbot or a priest may not allow you to blow up anything, but in all honesty, although I have some regrets in life, my vocation is not one of them.  AND, when I take into account our kids, as you can see through even just the reading of the blog, I have a LOT to be proud of.  We have great kids!

But as I am ending this day, I picked out this picture as it made me smile.  They are a happy couple and we are happy for them.  And it is just a privilege to be able to share it with you tonight!

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+