Today was a pretty good day, but one that in the end was hard to deal with.  I suppose hard is not the right word, but I found myself in a place that I wanted to do something, yet the reality was that I couldn’t. I have been in this same spot before, yet I do not remember how I handled it, so I have come to the conclusion that I just grieve and hand it back to God.

I just have felt the need to pick up the phone and call my grandma, like I have so many times before, but I then remember that she has gone home to heaven.  I guess it was always such a natural thing to do, but I miss the conversations and I miss seeing her.  My mom and I never talked like my grandma and I did, plus my mom’s mind was lost to Alzheimer’s years ago.  There is just always something so assuring about my grandma’s voice.

Oh, I can still hear it, I just miss being able to chat.  I always felt great after talking with her, and I really never had a poor memory of anything with her.  She was a giant to me, as was my grandpa, and I guess I feel a bit untethered without them both.  I always knew this time would come, they even told me, but somehow I feel so poorly prepared.  It’s as if a bit of my foundation has been taken away.

Of course I know that is not true, but it sure does feel that way.  And someday I too will walk with my grandchildren in this life and the whole thing will come full circle.

I just have to live it, but I don’t have to like it.  She was such a blessing to me, and all I want to do is to just talk with her on the phone.

It will have to wait.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless.

Tommy+