Oh the struggle is real.  I had a little bit of time this afternoon and thought I would sit down and type an entry for the blog.  I was very pleased with myself, as my morning was very routine, and I felt I was making some good progress.

My surprise came as I had this wild Déjà vu (do not worry, I copied and pasted the cool spelling) feeling about what I had written.  I have generally learned to “go with” these feelings, so I did, and I found it no surprise that I had written an eerily similar post to one I had written on January 14th.  Some parts were even word for word.  It upset me, and reinforced what  had written yesterday, but it was also a familiar place to be for me.  I try, but sometimes things just turn out the same.

I know however that I should not complain.  I know people with similar circumstances whose funerals I have presided over.  But I find it deeply frustrating that I cannot come to accept who I am at times.  Sure, I joke about it, and smilewhiles I do it, but underneath it is deeply painful.  And although I think at times that maybe I can sleep this off, everyday I wake up to a new adventure.

I still am extremely high functioning.  And I am certain that I must be younger, thinner, and taller too.  But there is something about me that keeps driving to figure it all out.  Today is a great example.  The duplicate blog entry, and even the duplicate details, were nothing less than frightening and in ways defeating.  What I did not do was cave into the fear, I set it aside temporarily and then sat down for yet another do-over.  And so far so good, the only familiarity I am feeling is the do-over, and not the content.

But I am invested in the race, and I am committed to my own cause.  I may be no damn good at memory things, but a lot of people aren’t.  And I choose to focus upon what I can do.

I still have a lot of the day to go, and for the next six hours will be crazy busy.  But I will make it and do my best to shake this off.  After all, it is only a brain, and I am a guy.  I’ve got this!

Stay sane, but if you can’t, call me twice.  I prolly will not remember the first call.

Tommy+