I am not much of a boater, nor do I ever swim in the ocean, but I can certainly relate to being out among the high waves. That’s what life feels like to me right now. It seems so very ridiculous to me, after all, I can talk and I can walk, but within just an instant, it can seem as if the waves of my life are overwhelming. What I find I both interesting and frustrating at the same time is that I am perfectly aware of it when it happens, yet seemingly helpless to resolve my situation. It’s all slow motion in those times….I know what I want to do and what I should do, but it suddenly just escapes me. We’ve all had times when we lose our thoughts, it’s just for me happening all the time, especially when I am stressed.

I often think of being with people who hyperventilate. You work hard to keep them calm, because panicking just makes things worse. I lose thoughts, things overwhelm me, I get mad way too easy, and a variety of other “goodies” follow me throughout the day. I need not panic, just calmly move through them. They will not be with me forever, just a while. I do not see them as roadblocks, but rather challenges. And I intend to conquer them all.

I will meet with all our clergy tomorrow morning here at my home and we will be having a frank discussion about all of this. I do not think I am doing too much, and I know the docs want me to be doing stuff to get back, yet my ability to handle everything I used to is just not there right now. Some things give me a great deal of difficulty, and I need to do those things when I am in a better place. Other things, like writing, praying for people, doing work that challenges me yet is not pressured, hanging out on the sidelines of a lacrosse game, changing diapers (Ben’s), goofing around with my kids, I can do now. But I am clearly missing some pieces and as we all know, the puzzle doesn’t look right, it isn’t whole, without all the pieces there.

I know this is hard to hear, but I am not yet better, and it is something most difficult to hear in my own ears. I look fine, and for the most part can act fine….I just don’t feel fine and have a lot of trouble regaining my gait after stumbling. I am still running, I just need to make sure I stay in the race. The setbacks both worry and scare me, but the best way to deal with them is head-on.

I want you to know that I am still committed to doing just that….it just looks as if I need to pace myself a little more.

After all, life is a long distance race not a sprint, and it is a race that I still intend to win!

God’s Peace to you all!