Today was a day that I clearly did too much. I worked, Scotty and I mowed and trimmed two lawns, I went to my first session of speech therapy (I know I really drug my feet about getting there) and then we went to dinner with my dad. And by the time we were at dinner, it was clear to everyone that I was a bit dazed.
Of course when we got home it was still pretty early, so in my infinite brilliance I thought I would do more. I started reading that “My Stroke of Insight” book I talked about a few days back. The second and third chapters were on the science of the brain, and sadly they were just what I needed to spill over the top. I have clearly discovered another blindspot and it was very frustrating. It was as if my brain was nailed in place to those pages. I would read paragraphs over and over, yet nothing would stick. I would concentrate and be very intentional about maybe just one of them (the paragraphs, just trying to finish ONE) and find myself moments later thinking intently about something else, even though my eyes were still locked on that book in the same place. In saner moments, I would put something like that down, justifying it by admitting it was not my day. But not today! I was going to be a bull and push right through. I was tired, irritated, frustrated and clearly by this point downright stupid. I placed myself smack-dab in the middle of the china shop, and worse yet, it was filled with Tiffany Crystal……..
One of the eerie things about recovery, at least for me, is the unique sense of awareness I possess of what is happening with me and within me while quite often lacking the ability to do anything about it. That was happening here. The speech therapist yesterday mentioned helping me develop those skills, but sadly the day had its way with me before they arrived.
Tomorrow will be a better day, Lord knows it has to be. I know I am difficult to deal with, and no one knows that better than me. And the guilt I carry about that, though typical/normal is just another issue for me to get through.
Let me say this…….my wife and kids are saints for helping me through this, and though it is still a long road to travel, I intend to make it up to them. In the meantime, ice cream is going to have to go a long way!
Keep praying…..I am going to get there!
Tom+