Well although the funeral is done, I need to confess that I have felt bad about it all day.  I guess that it was fine in comparison to other funerals I have done, although I know for me it was quite a bit more personal.

But I suppose that is where the problem lies.  I did two things that disturb me very much…..one, I spoke of my grandmother out of my own perspective, which of course now feels to me more like it was something therapeutic rather than helpful to the people who were there…  But more than that, two, there really is no way I could ever describe adequately the importance of my grandparents in my life.  She may have been short and frail, but she was truly a giant in my world.  And to be HONEST, I could not ever do justice to how I felt.  I understand now why I struggled so much with putting together what I was going to say.  But what I really wanted to convey, and what I really wanted to say, was as lost as I was in my own little world.

BUT, despite the feeling that I let my family down, I have to say I made my way back to the grave(s) as I was leaving town.  And I sat on the stone as I always have, and didn’t cry at all, but had a good laugh.  I had told the story of a white dog interrupting and similar visit when my grandpa died in 1996.  I sort of expected him to be there for some reason, but he was not.  But I did laugh at a squirrel, about 5 feet off the ground and on the same tree by which I had seen that dog.  This time however, I wasn’t trying to wail…..I was just shaking my head at what a doof I was.  But every time I talked, the squirrel clicked…and I laughed, because it was kind of cool.  I don’t think my grandma sent that squirrel anymore than I think my grandpa sent that dog…..but both sure did help me, and I am thankful for them both.

I took great comfort in being there though….much more than any other place I have been over the past few weeks, because my grandfather used to tell me…”one day you will be here without me, and it will be okay.”

In my heart, I know the truth.  I really didn’t write my sermon for today, my grandpa did for all of us in preparation for being out there at the Violet Cemetery mourning them both.  And that’s what I was laughing at……it really is okay.  I was blessed with two of the finest people, in my mind, to ever walk the face of this earth.  And although I will still go there a lot and sit on that stone as I have for years, I know that they are not there.  My grandpa was thinking of us all and he wanted us to be assured that there was more to this life than just ending up in some scenic plot.

But I will still go there as I have for years, and I will still go there a lot.  And some day when this body I walk in is laid to rest as well, perhaps my kids will go there too and reflect upon the wisdom, not that was my own, but passed down to me by two of the wisest and most wonderful people I know.

Man, I was really blessed…..and I still am.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

Tonight we attended the viewing for my grandmother at the Yoder-Culp Funeral Home in Goshen, Indiana.  It was the same funeral home my grandfather was buried from in 1996.

And it was kind of surreal to be there too.  The visitation was from 5-7, but at 95 years old and living in a retirement community for the last 12 of them, there were only a handful of people who came.  It actually was pretty restful, and we were able to just sit around much of the time and talk as family.  And what made this different was that there were no unanswered questions.  All the rest of this is choreographed out, and that is a blessing to us all indeed.

But to see her in the casket, although it was something I knew would come one day, was not really a thing I could come to grips with. Sure, I know the theology, and sure I know what we believe, but I think the reality of knowing that I can no longer call her on the phone, or talk to her creates an emptiness that even the best theology cannot fill.  I was reminded of one of my favorite songs, “Homesick,” by Mercy Me.  Every time I hear it I think of my grandpa….and now I will think of them both.  I will be playing it quite a bit on my way home tomorrow too.

But ultimately there is victory in it all, and for it I am thankful.  Tomorrow will be the funeral, and now we have decided to head home after it.  I suppose it is best that way, but leaving here without being able to return to talk to her makes it bittersweet.

Keep us in your prayers tomorrow.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

Sometimes I am not sure of even what day it is, and today is such a day.  I guess now that I have looked I can see that it is Thursday, but without looking, tonight at least, I would be lost.  Obviously a lot has been going on, and to tell the truth, the hard parts of all of it are over.

To explain, funerals are really the easy part.  Sure, they can invoke painful memories and lead you down a bad road.  But in all honesty, for this one and the next, there is really nothing to cry about other than missing someone.  I am certain my grandmother is in a marvelous place (after all heaven is decorated in Notre Dame and Chicago Cubs and Bears themes) and is enjoying herself.  And as for her life, she lived 95 healthy and happy years, with a few detours, but no show-stoppers.  She was an amazing grandma, and all of us were devoted to her.  And although I will be officiating at the funeral, there is nothing bad about it at all.  She heard the words “well done” when she hit the Pearly Gates I am sure.

But for now I will just need to make sure I straighten myself up enough to make it!  Honestly, I would have never thought I could have done so well without that stupid medication I was taking.  Clearly this has been a surprise…..and one that I will gladly accept.

Not bad work for a Monday, that’s for dang sure………

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

Well we are back at home, and although I am happy to be here, being here reminds me of the reason we returned.  I have no doubt in my mind where my grandma is right now…..it just kind of sucks to have to miss her so.

And it always brings to mind some deep theological questions as well…..like when people die, do they suddenly see everything there from heaven?  I certainly hope not!  I just think it would crush my grandma to see what a real louse I am most of the time in my life.  Grandparents have idealistic views, I just want her to keep those.

Of course, that says a lot about who I feel I am.  Sure, I am most of the time no worse than the next guy…..yet all the time I know I could do better.  And someday, maybe I will.

But for now I just want to see my dog and my cat, and sleep in my own bed.  It’s not a lot…..but tonight it means a lot to me.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

Tonight at around 7:15 my grandma entered into eternal life.  She was 95 years old.  She was preceded in death by my grandpa, and sadly her daughter (my mom) just three short weeks ago.  And although I am certain my mom’s death had nothing to do with tonight, it pains me to know that my grandmother had to deal with such things in her final days.  But my grandma was at peace with what had happened to my mom, and I am thankful for that.

But tonight we said goodbye to a remarkable woman.  I can only speak of her as my grandma, but clearly after they made her they broke the mold.  I have 50 years of fond memories with her, and in all honesty, there was not one bad day for me in any of it.

As we let her go tonight I have to say that I was much more thankful than hurting.  She was truly a blessing to me in my life.  God blessed me by allowing me to be her grandson, and could and can easily see her and my grandpa’s influence upon my life.  There are so many people in this world who do not have relationships with their grandparents, and for them I feel sorry.  That was never the case for me.  I spoke to my grandma a lot…..and all my life.  She always knew what was happening in my life….as she did about all her grandchildren.  She was always the epitome, the ideal, of what a grandparent should be…..and I am certain my idealistic view of life comes directly from seeing that ideals really do exist.  I believe in them, because I have seen them……first and foremost in my grandparents

Thanks so much grandma for being who you have been to me.  I love you very much…..and quite honestly, I miss you already.

Tommy+

I have been so many places the last few days, including both Goshen General Hospital and now home.  My grandma continues to deteriorate, albeit slowly.  But as I am well-traveled, she has stayed put.

But where she is going is so much more significant the the places I am traveling to a fro.  And in the midst of it all….all the pain, all the sorrow, all the stress, I find great comfort in the fact that all of this is not about me at all, or even those around me…..it is about her and the Lord.

Sometimes we just need to reframe things to see what has been in front of us all the time.  From my first memories in Church to even now, we talk about and prepare for this point.  And our faith at this point is more important than even here, because it is here that it finds its ultimate meaning.

But I thank God I need not let my heart be troubled.  My grandma is at the end of this short life, and will enter into heaven quite soon.

Thank God for that…..and than God for the reminder that I seem to need now more frequently.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

It has been a day of very little change here in Goshen, other than we know in terms of time we are but one day closer to the end of her life.  But here in Goshen, not too much of anything goes fast.  It is something that has always endeared this place to me…..I mean, other than being the home of my grandparents.

But the community is a clash between two worlds….the modern world and the Amish world.  Cars and buggies, and buggies and cars.  Yet, even without the buggies, Goshen would be no New York.  It is typical Indiana.  The people are friendly and people say “hi” when you walk by.  In the hospital, or in restaurants, people ask you about YOU, and there is always that feeling of home.  And what I should confess is that the very fact that this happens here is very comforting to me.

But for now, I will call it a day.  At 10pm, my grandma was resting, finally, yet clearly we know where we are heading.  It is exhausting, but well worth it.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+

I wish things were easier, I really do, but for now I will just need to ride this out.  My grandma is in bad shape, and her time on this side of heaven is very limited, but it is important to be with her nonetheless.  I was with her this morning, and then went to pick up the boys to be with her again until we left for home a little after noon.

But if there is a blessing in any of this it has been to be with them both.  Scott and Ben are exceptionally close, and although Scott is 6’1″ and Ben is no where near that, they still think of themselves as twins and Ben works hard to boss Scott around.  It makes me laugh, and more than that, it takes my mind off of self-focused thoughts keeps me focused on the right things.

And I know this is hard on both of them as well, Scott in particular.

Please keep all of us, and particularly my grandma in your prayers.  I am just thankful for the boys in all of this….they truly do make this hard road a lot easier.

Goodnight my friends and God Bless!

Tommy+