Monthly Archives: May 2008

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Of traveling through space and time…….

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Do you remember as a kid falling asleep in your parents’ car on a long trip? I do. You could never understand why they were so tired and looked so spent. After all, you were asleep shortly after pulling out of the driveway and unconscious most of the way. To you, it seemed like minutes, or even instantaneous. In fact, while you snoozed, a lot of miles went on that car, and usually on your parents as well.

Our son Ben often has the same experience. His carseat seems to be an amazing sleep-aid, and he sees very little when we drive other than the back of his eye lids. Of course the rest of my family is not too much better. If there were a kingdom of car-sleepers my wife Amanda would be their queen. Steph sleeps a lot in the car too. Scott WILL stay up and navigate BUT ONLY if he is allowed to sit in the front seat. I clearly live with a family of snoozers, and I am worried that it might be contagious.

Here’s why….last night, after an extremely good day for me, I sat down in our recliner to write Friday’s entry on this blog. It was probably a little after 10pm when I started, yet when I looked down to see what I had written (since I didn’t remember) suddenly it showed it was 3:50 am!!! AND, though I was certain I did, I hadn’t written a thing! I apparently needed the rest! But as you know, I am learning…..so instead of being upset or frustrated and trying to push something through, I just calmly closed my laptop, set it on the table, and went up to bed. After all, it is the second day of Neighborhood Garage Sale Day, and my wife (who is absolutely possessed by things like this) I was certain, would have us up in about 5 minutes so we could offer an “early bird special.” Fortunately for me it was one of the many times I have been wrong!

So my day went well, but my night seemed just like one of those car rides I described. I did wake up this morning with a headache, but hopefully that will be gone soon. I am just thankful for the opportunity the Lord gives me to live this, and every day. And, I intend to make the most of it!

My friend Kelly arrives tonight (he is a priest form Ohio) so that he can take the services for me tomorrow. And Deacon Dan is covering Nashville tonight. Everyone is doing a lot for us and for the Church and we deeply appreciate it.

My friends, I hope you enjoy this wonderful day…I hope not to nap (intentionally or unintentionally). I would hate to miss a minute of it!

God Bless.

Tom+

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The looming feeling of dread…..

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I have been consumed all day with worry and dread. My wife, who by most standards is considered sane, has decided that we will take part in the neighborhood garage sale this Friday and Saturday. Of course the Bible tells us to watch and pay attention for signs of impending doom and gloom……as this sale has approached, our house has been full of them!

For instance, we all had to go through our closets and take out clothes that we will no longer be wearing. This is not meant to be sexist, but this is an exercise that seems only important to girls. I am guy, and even at 46, I really can’t think of any rational reason as to why I would throw away anything I would wear. When pants rip, I wear them to mow the lawn. When shirts grow old, I cut off the sleeves and use them to play basketball or lacrosse with the kids. When ripped things go through their yard work and sports stage, they often become rags or chew toys for the dogs. But to my wife, in truth, everything seems to be an attempt to change me, though she would most likely not call it “change” as much as “train.” (good luck to her!!)

I will also spend the morning setting up tables for her and then cleaning up at the close of the day (and then do it all again tomorrow). It’s A LOT of work, but I am sure the $25.oo we will make over the course of weeks of stressful, back-breaking labor will be well worth it. After all, the hourly rate I am going to receive, I am sure, will no where near compare to the satisfaction I will receive from losing my comfortable raggy clothes and having well ordered closets and drawers! If heaven is a perfect place, I am hoping all my discarded clothes will meet me there.

Anyway, on a more serious note, I am getting better and my wife is clearly noticing. Sadly, that means the sympathy is ending and the work is just beginning. Appealing to her compassionate side probably won’t work this weekend. She loves to organize, clean, and get rid of stuff.

So I best get in line, get the stuff out, and take a shower. I don’t want to end up priced and sitting out there for sale!

I want you to know I am doing well, and getting better each and every day! Father Kelly Irish from Madison, Ohio will be here this weekend to cover for me. Come out and worship with him.

I look forward to seeing you all very soon.

Tom+

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Not for a lack of trying……

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I know I know……it is the 14th, and though it is my first post in a couple of days, it has not been for the lack of trying. I remember the evening of the 12th, with this site up in front of me, attempting to type while nothing was coming through my mind. How could it? I had an excruciating headache! The headache took a couple of days to recede, but I think in its later stages, it was probably just stress. I never had a headache with the stroke, yet every time I get one now (or any other thing) I worry about it being the big one!!! (Remember??? “I’m coming Elizabeth, I’m coming?”….let me know the show that’s from and I will send you an imaginary prize!) Yet in retrospect, I really have had no pain all the way through…stroke till now. In fact, of all the things in my life I have had to endure, having a stroke (though a serious thing) really has been not all that bad. I’ve never been in any pain, only frustration and confusion. So why I equate pain with stroke and worry about it is beyond me!

One of the things I have learned however, is to set things aside when they frustrate, confuse, or worry me. At first they would really bother me, but pushing through them without a chance of resolution only made me worse. Now when I see I am confused, I don’t, or at least I try not to, take it to frustration…I instead just let it go. Everything always seems to wait for me to come back anyway, so why worry myself to death??

I will say however, I am learning A LOT. Tomorrow I will meet with our clergy for breakfast and we will catch up. Bishop Ames has asked a few priests from Ohio to cover the next three weekends, so Father Kelly Irish will be here Saturday and Sunday to begin the process of doing just that. Kelly is a great friend and a remarkable priest, so I know everyone will love him. Of course they already do! Kelly has been with us once before last May. He will be staying with us here at our house, and I cannot wait! It will be great to see him. It means a great deal to me to see our Bishop and the clergy outside our parish stepping up to help us out. Thank God for them all!

I also got a call this morning from another friend, Father Rich Roos. Rich, as some of you may remember, had emergency surgery a little over a year ago for a torn aorta, and has fought tooth and nail, at first to survive, and now to recover. He let me know however that he is doing great. He is still in a wheelchair but continues to work at his recovery…..and he wanted me to know he is still praying for me! God bless him! Rich is one of the finest priests I have ever known, and I encourage you to keep him in your prayers as well! He is one of the good guys for sure!

To close this rambling today, as for me, I want you to know I am making progress every day, but I occasionally have a bad one (or two). Keep praying, and know that I’ll be fine. I have every intention of returning on June 1st and living an extremely long life with the hopes of being burden to my children till they are old and gray themselves…..and yep, that includes Ben!

God bless you all my friends….I look forward to seeing you soon!

Tom+

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A tale of two realities……..

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Today was the best of times, today was the worst of times……..

I love what I do, I really do, so it was very hard to not be in Church doing it today. Yep, I miss work, which probably shows that the damage to my brain is far more extensive than we originally thought. But truthfully, I had a great day. It was also Mother’s Day, and seeing the joy in Amanda was worth it all. The kids and I got her a statuette with a mom and baby, and we fortunately found one with a bald baby. Ben is a great kid, and he does a lot of things well, but growing hair is not one of them. Perhaps one day the makers of Rogaine will contact us to give him a go, but for right now he is the world’s sweetest baby with the hair of Peter Boyle. But regardless, we all enjoyed the day.

Though I didn’t get to preach or celebrate today, we will be having communion later tonight as a family. And although no one ever listens to my sermons here at home (it’s a lot like church) I do plan on taking up a collection. I love my kids, but I like to keep them on their toes. They will crack up when I set down a collection plate in front of them too…..one of the best Tirman traits is that we love to laugh! We have been laughing together most of the day!

I won’t keep all of you reading this, I know we must all have dishes and laundry to do, since it is Mother’s Day and we all foolishly promise we will take care of those things, but before I go I do want to do one serious thing. I want to give thanks to God this day for all our mothers, and for all they are to us. In truth, anyone can be a parent, because that’s just science, but it takes a special person to be a mom.

I do hope your day has been as good as mine has. God bless you and I look forward to posting again tomorrow!

Fr. Tom+

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Of fevers, farm girls, and family……..

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It is pretty ironic that I have gone on leave, especially since I spent all of last night and most of the day with chills and a fever…..I clearly would be out this weekend anyhow. I ache (probably from the fever) and have a big headache, yet I am amazed at my ability to not get things right. Here’s the truth, I picked up a bug someplace and it is having its way with me. But since the stroke, every headache I get fills me with fear that something surrounding that is wrong! What strikes me as odd is that I never ever had a headache when I had the stroke, nor do I even remember it. Yet anything different makes you worry……an ache in one place, blurry vision even when I know I wear glasses, stumbling on a word (though I have done that for my entire life), anything!

One of the things I had to do today is take my son Scotty to the high school for a band performance. Both Steph and Scott play instruments and both had to play, Steph just has a car and insisted her performance was going to “suck” and she begged us, almost in tears, not to go! It was one of the few things I have missed in her life, but more of a pastoral issue. She said half of their small ensemble didn’t show and she was so thankful I too was numbered among the missing…

Scotty I was able to watch, fever and all. He plays trumpet with the band, and they did quite a few numbers and sounded wonderful. I totally scared him however on the way home. My sister-in-law Rhonda is an Occupational Therapist and was in Indianapolis the last few days with another OT, her friend Wanda, for a conference. As I talked about them both I guess I didn’t separate things or more than likely he wasn’t listening well (we call him Captain ADD, but I clearly am the ADD King). So when I kept interchanging Wanda and Rhonda, Scotty thought I might be having another stroke!! He finally stopped me from talking and asked if I was okay. We ended up laughing, which of course I do a lot with Scott.

The hardest part of my day has been needing to stay away from Ben and my 4 year-old niece Kayla who has been here since Wednesday. I think I probably have a sinus infection, but you can never be too careful. Neither of them understand it, but for those of us with the experience of staying up all night with a sick baby or 4 year-old, we know the importance of good healthy distance!

Right now Amanda and Rhonda are downstairs being typical Kansas women….when they start to cook I have to get out of the way. (they tell me to too) They make enough food for every farm in the county, yet neither of them lives on a farm anymore…nor anywhere near one. I think it just makes them feel better, like remembering growing up. And I believe that there is nothing ever wrong with that!

I took some Advil and hopefully it will help. I am sure I have a lot of burgers and farm food to eat in just a few minutes, so I hope to end my first full day of leave headache-free and full!

God bless all of you. I appreciate your prayers and your reading this blog. It helps me a lot. Writing is the one thing I have almost fully recovered, and being able to communicate without worrying about stuttering or losing a thought is a real blessing to me!

I will see you all very soon!

Fr. Tom+

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A hard, but responsible pill to swallow…….

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First of all, I want to apologize for not posting yesterday. It was a terribly busy day filled with meetings and phone calls……AND it was rainy and dreary, reflecting much of what I was dealing with and feeling about it.

After much discussion of how I have been getting along and with lots of prayer, the decision has been made for me to go on a short medical leave, and the hopeful word is “short.” Right now we are looking towards June 1st as a targeted return date. I want you to understand that this leave has little to do with my ability to do the Sunday parts of my job. After all, I came back and delivered a sermon two weeks ago and even baptized a baby last week. It’s just that my job is much more than preaching celebrating the Eucharist at the services that people attend. We were also in the process of planting a new Church in Greenfield which was due to launch on June 1, but the work I have to deal with around that, among all my other work, appears to be too difficult right now for my mind to catch up to. So in talking about these things with our Bishop, Bishop Roger Ames, he suggested that I not only take this medical leave, but that we delay the launch of St. Paul’s in Greenfield some 90 days too….our new target launch day will be September 7th. And this takes a lot of stress off everyone.

This decision is difficult for me just a few weeks prior to launching, but I understand it completely. The more difficult issue for me is the admission that my mind hasn’t healed enough to handle everything I need to handle. My ability to handle complex concepts, and particularly stress, really were blindspots that the Lord has exposed to me over the past week. And as I have had to deal with these blindspots what I have found was that my progress (recovery-wise) in a lot of areas deteriorated. Much of my stuttering, confusion, and numbness has reappeared. An as you can imagine, all if it has upset me a great deal because I was and I am doing well in so many other areas. But the bottom line is that God gives you only one body and this is mine….I need to take care of it. I need to be better. As husband, a parent and even as a priest, my desire is to do well in all the areas I walk in. So maybe with a little intentional rest, I will get to where I need to be more quickly.

As a long time athlete and coach, I can say I always appreciate the players who are aware of their shortcomings and come off the ice/field (I say ice, because I was an ice hockey player and I am convinced that ice hockey is God’s favorite sport and what we will all play in heaven) when they are not doing well in order to further the goals of their team. I want you to understand, though I personally want to stay in the game, (believe me more than anything) I need to come off that ice, because if I don’t skate over to the box and get some rest, I know I’ll be stuttering and confused a lot longer than I need to or should. On the outside I look fine and can do many things. On the inside I quite often am fine too….but not all the time. Listen, I don’t want to be at an overall 60-70% (no longer a D but an F!) which is where I would assess I am this week…..I want instead to be back to normal. And in time I will be.

Please keep me in your prayers. I am doing all I can to make sure that we get to where I need to be. I hope to fulfill in an expedient way my wife’s constant prayer for me since the day we started dating…..”Lord, he’s not right. Just make him normal.”

Hang in there while I am hanging out! I will be back as soon as I can.

God Bless!

Fr. Tom+

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Of high waves and other challenges…….

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I am not much of a boater, nor do I ever swim in the ocean, but I can certainly relate to being out among the high waves. That’s what life feels like to me right now. It seems so very ridiculous to me, after all, I can talk and I can walk, but within just an instant, it can seem as if the waves of my life are overwhelming. What I find I both interesting and frustrating at the same time is that I am perfectly aware of it when it happens, yet seemingly helpless to resolve my situation. It’s all slow motion in those times….I know what I want to do and what I should do, but it suddenly just escapes me. We’ve all had times when we lose our thoughts, it’s just for me happening all the time, especially when I am stressed.
I often think of being with people who hyperventilate. You work hard to keep them calm, because panicking just makes things worse. I lose thoughts, things overwhelm me, I get mad way too easy, and a variety of other “goodies” follow me throughout the day. I need not panic, just calmly move through them. They will not be with me forever, just a while. I do not see them as roadblocks, but rather challenges. And I intend to conquer them all.
I will meet with all our clergy tomorrow morning here at my home and we will be having a frank discussion about all of this. I do not think I am doing too much, and I know the docs want me to be doing stuff to get back, yet my ability to handle everything I used to is just not there right now. Some things give me a great deal of difficulty, and I need to do those things when I am in a better place. Other things, like writing, praying for people, doing work that challenges me yet is not pressured, hanging out on the sidelines of a lacrosse game, changing diapers (Ben’s), goofing around with my kids, I can do now. But I am clearly missing some pieces and as we all know, the puzzle doesn’t look right, it isn’t whole, without all the pieces there.
I know this is hard to hear, but I am not yet better, and it is something most difficult to hear in my own ears. I look fine, and for the most part can act fine….I just don’t feel fine and have a lot of trouble regaining my gait after stumbling. I am still running, I just need to make sure I stay in the race. The setbacks both worry and scare me, but the best way to deal with them is head-on.
I want you to know that I am still committed to doing just that….it just looks as if I need to pace myself a little more.
After all, life is a long distance race not a sprint, and it is a race that I still intend to win!
God’s Peace to you all!
Fr. Tom+
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Fuzzy Wuzzy needs a brain…or at least one that isn’t fuzzy. Or does he?

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I feel like I am in training….and oh how do I wish this were just a sport. How I wish it were a matter of me just running further or lifting a few more weights. How I wish it were a matter of just eating right and doing the right things. What makes this a challenge is that it is my brain…and all I want to do is get it to work normal…..okay, normal for me.

The last few days for me have been challenging. My job often deals with hard issues. Often stress is high, and these past few days have provided me plenty….actually enough stress for us all! The byproduct of all the stress has been frustrating too. I have been stuttering a lot since Thursday. The fuzziness that disappeared for a few days is back sporadically since then as well. I know I need to rest, but I also know I need to work to get better. I know I need to think and talk to get where I want to be, and that is the real training for me. Yet when things are foggy and choppy, it makes it harder to move ahead. I believe it is what they call a “Catch-22′” but it really feels like treading water! I need balance, and to ease in, but life doesn’t often meter itself. This past week it has been a bit out of whack.

Here’s some truth I would like to share. I know I often say I am fine, because in my heart I have to hear and believe I am in order to move ahead. Yet I know I really am not…at least not 100%. I know I am nowhere near 100%. I am more aware than anyone that my body and my manner were not like this a month ago, and if this blog is really going to be an honest report to others about how I am doing, and a part of my work to get back to that normal, then I need to be honest with you AND with myself.

I have to keep at it, and I am. Today was a little better, and I hope tomorrow takes me further towards complete recovery. But, if I have to take a few steps back occasionally, so be it. The key is to trust that the Lord will keep me on the road to healing.

In truth, I have to trust Him…..my mind is too fuzzy….too fuzzy in fact right now to put together anything more that makes sense…

As frustrating as it seems I will not worry about it. Tomorrow is another day!

Keep praying!

Fr. Tom+

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Of walking in the fire swamp……..

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I have two movies I am very fond of, one ironically is “A Beautiful Mind,” and the other could be no further from it, “The Princess Bride.” And, as I have worked to recover my mind both have become pretty inspirational to me.

It’s not as if I have lost it, or as if I walk around grasping and groping for answers, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. What I deal with is lots of progress littered with periods of struggle and frustration. Clearly these periods have cause, after all I have had a stroke, but they are exasperated by things that I have been able to identify, and right now I am making a list.

I am no doubt worse when I get tired, and I tire more easily than before. Stress can also set off stuttering and confusion, and that stuttering and confusion can lead to frustration. It has been a stressful week for me, and as I attempt to step back into my job, things happen that cause me the very stress that triggers the episodes. Yet, (yes I know the question, why don’t you just take more time off?) when I do nothing, I get down and depressed, and that causes even more struggle. In truth, like all stroke patients, in order to get better, I need to learn to walk here…..and that’s where The Princess Bride comes in.

There’s a little remembered scene in the movie where the hero and heroine, not by choice but by necessity, need to travel through a treacherous place where no one has ever been known to survive. It’s known as the fire swamp. What they find however in being there, is that if they pay attention to the things that can hurt them, if they study them and learn from them, that they too can learn to walk there……and they do. They survive.

I too will survive, because I am committed to learning and walking ahead. Being a priest has always been great for me, but in over 18 years as one, it has never been easy. You do your best, despite the perils of the fire swamp, and work to make it through, not because of anything other than being called.

I am still walking there and learning as I do. I have every intention of coming out safely on the other side.

Keep praying for me! I appreciate it.

Fr. Tom+

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Of lists, memory, progress and priests….

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Okay, clearly I lost a day…..but not bad all things considered. I am trying to move away from very detailed lists and working hard to work on remembering. I told Amanda that I thought I was taller and better looking than I was pre-stroke, so clearly I have a bit of work to do, but the big thing is that moving ahead energizes me and that I want to get to where I need to be! I remember saying a few days ago that no one bats 1000 for very long, and it’s the truth. In my (former) athletic mind I know I have to WORK to get better, and I also know that you never win every game. I want you to know that I don’t expect to….what I expect is to move toward winning most of the time. ANd, I think I am closer to that each day!

As a side-note, I want to share, and ask you to rejoice with me, in the celebration for the ordination of a few of my good friends to the priesthood last night in Akron, Ohio. I was so very sorry I could not make the trip to be there, but they were in my thoughts and prayers. They started the day as deacons, and finished as priests….but as I know, it of course is more of a starting line than a destination. I do however rejoice in that these men are not just high quality and qualified candidates for this, they are also my friends! Please join me in rejoicing for their ordinations. They are Sean Templeton of Holy Trinity, Milan Ohio, Kevin Maney of St Matthew’s, Westerville Ohio, Greg Heath of St Anne-in-the-Fields, Madison Ohio, David Smith of Good Samaritan, Cleveland Heights Ohio, and Jeremy Lile of St Luke’s, Akron Ohio!

Thanks for remembering me today in your prayers and please pray for my family, particularly for my wife. Amanda has a hard job even when I am healthy! And, even with my recuperating mind, I still worry about her.

I am glad I remembered today!! Let’s see how I do tomorrow!

Peace!

Fr. Tom+