Monthly Archives: April 2008

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Happy Birthday Grandma!!!

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It is a big day! Today my grandma turns 92. And though I will not get to see her on her birthday, I do intend to give her a call later this evening.

My grandma was, and is, a big part of my life. She still lives on her own in an apartment in a retirement center about the size of Texas in Goshen, Indiana. She is very active. She still volunteers, she JUST stopped driving (she had a sporty Mercury Cougar), and though she has one of those wheeled walkers with the seat, the storage compartment, and the hand brakes (it’s not as sporty as her Cougar but quite plain……you see them everywhere now) she really doesn’t even need it. She uses it to get back and forth to the mailbox and dining area…..at 92 her apartment is at the very end of her building and the furthest away.

My grandparents have always been such a big part of my life. Just about every weekend I was down at their house, which was 20 miles from where I grew up, and all the time in the summers. So I suppose Goshen is my adopted home town, and of course my grandma’s home still.

At 92 my grandma is still the same….a comforting constant in my life. She still does puzzles, she still keeps up on everything in our family and gives great advice, and she never misses sending a card or a note. And when I was a kid she and I would sit on the front porch together eating grapes, peanut M&M’s and back then she would have a Coke and I a Fresca! You never left her house without a “goodie bag,” and even though those front porch memories are over 40 years old, if you open the first drawer on the right in her kitchen, you will find it loaded with all you would ever need to make one of those bags.

I am the man I am today because of my grandparents, and no,that is not assigning blame!!! I am thankful for it!! She even gave me advice on my stroke….she herself had a devastating one she fully recovered from in her 50’s.

Happy Birthday Grandma. I love you. Thanks for loving me and caring for me. I will see you very soon. I am so very blessed to have you in my life.

Tom+

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A glimpse of clarity…..

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Though I have lived a life where I have not been a stranger to struggle, often the struggles I have dealt with have been physical, or they have been things that I can at least see or understand the path for dealing with. So much of what I have been dealing with in terms of stroke recovery however has been difficult, primarily because the issues I deal with now surround my brain! And of course when what you need to deal with is the very thing not working like you want it to, it’s often hard to see the forest through the trees.

So I left the world of specialists today, and went in to see my own doctor. It wasn’t that I was dissatisfied with anything, nor was I expecting anything either…..I just wanted to talk to about all of the things I was dealing with and how I was feeling about them with him. I not only trust him completely, but even in my professional career, I consider him one of the finest doctors I have even known. And with my racing mind, it was great to sit down with him (and my list of questions – Amanda sent a list too) and get some answers.

I have to say, he made me feel a lot better. I know I have a lot to deal with as I move ahead, but his calm demeanor, and his assurance I was going to be fine (back to normal again, though it will take time) really was helpful to me.

I think some of the comfort I found was in the fact that my visit reminded me of when I was a kid. As a kid my doctor was, among so many other things, a pediatrician, an orthopedic, a surgeon, and even a counselor…..it was before all the specialization, but in reality, they were the best specialists of all….they KNEW YOU, and they knew all about you. You trusted them, because they were like family, they always fixed you up and got you better, and they looked after all your care. My doctor today didn’t listen to my heart, he listened to me…..and he made all the difference.

So here’s to my doctor and others like them………they’re the greatest!

God Bless..

Fr. Tom+

There was a great deal of security for me to hear what he had to say, plus it gave me a great deal of confidence. I trust him

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Of victories and vision……….

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Today was a spectacular day. I was able to finish a sermon, deliver it in two missions, and celebrate in both places as well. It was not very eloquent, nor was it very smooth in parts, but all things considered I was very pleased. It felt good to be back doing what I love to do.

There seems to be a lot more flow to my thoughts and my direction when I am writing, over just speaking the things that I think. The visual of writing what I would say provided me the framework I was able to walk within. It was still difficult at times, but in the end quite workable. As I said, it just felt good, and though I know people worried, it was an important step for me to take.

My sermon is now posted online for people to listen to if they would like, and other pre-stroke ones are on there too. I really do want to know if there is a big difference, but it sort of scares me to compare. You see, I can tell and I know I am not where I want to be……and though I am certainly curious, hearing myself struggle at all probably do not serve me well at all. I really do already know what I sound like, and I also already know I don’t intend to sound like that for long!

It was just so very good to be back among such good Christian people. My intention now is not just to be back, but to stay back for the rest of the time the good Lord intends for me to. I’m figuring maybe another 40 or 50 years. It gives me plenty of time to work on my thoughts and my speech….and Lord knows…..I need it!

Speaking a little clearer and straighter each and every day…….

God Bless!

Fr. Tom+

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Of good days and bad……no one ever bats 1000

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Today has been a pretty good day, at least when you look at it as a whole. It started early, and it will end late, and all the little pieces that were inbetween seemed to fit together pretty well.

I am posting this late, because I have been gone the entire day. I was excited to get home and do so…..but the struggles I sometimes endure can occasionally become overwhelming….and they were as we got home. I was going to say, “you know it’s funny,” but it really is not…….it’s actually quite frustrating. I know what is right, and I know what I think, and I even know what to do…….but when I cannot do any of them, it’s hard not to melt down (inside and out). I know that seems to be thinking outloud…..like people can hear my inner monologue, but I want you to know. You see I think, I understand, I know, and I can……but having all that doesn’t stop me from misfiring. I don’t suppose that makes sense, and that’s part of the problem too. I read about strokes, I talk to people who have had them and treat them, yet I am often puzzled. I suppose that’s part of it, but when I heard the word “mild” I just expected “easier.”

I know that no one bats 1000, at least for not very long, and I know my average is very high. But I am not the most patient of sorts, nor do I ever set my bar too low. I am just working my way back to normal, and with God’s grace and your prayers I hope to get there……if I get my way, in about 15 minutes!

You keep praying…..and I’ll keep at it.

Fr. Tom+

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Priming the pump……

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Today is a big day for me. Of all the days since my stroke, it is the most ambitious day for me of all. Today, I will attempt to both write and practice a sermon for this Sunday. I think it will be fine, after all I have been writing pretty well for days and everything seems to be getting better. I just need to see if my thoughts and my words come together comfortably, but even more than that, reading and speaking together in such a way are yet to be attempted, let alone to do in in front of people, so I need to see if it works. There are lots of little hurdles, all of which I intend to clear, but they are ones that are still in front of me. I am not worried about it all that much….I am really more excited to get over them.

It reminded me of an old lawnmower I used to have…..it was pretty hard to start. Every time the grass would get long, I would have to take the top off the air filter and spray a little fuel into the carburetor in order to, as they say, “prime the pump.” In doing so, I was giving it a little help to get it started. Once it got running, it was fine and ran like a champ. It was just a little hard to get going when it was cold.

I suppose however, we all are. I am aware, more than anyone, of my condition, and I am always learning more each and every moment about my current abilities and limitations. The keyword however, is “current.” Because with hard work and dedication, and even with a little priming, abilities can be increased and limitations exceeded…..or better yet left far behind.

As most of you may know, I coach high school lacrosse and was (and need to be again) an athlete. There’s a saying I always remember and share with my players, not just applicable in sports, but in life…..”live to play another day.” When we go overboard, we take ourselves out. When we do too little or not enough, we never get to where we need to be. As for me, I’m doing what I should. I am priming that pump and mooooving ahead (yes, a cow joke….I am from Indiana) but I am excited, ecstatic in fact to do so!

Keep praying for me. I need not walk here alone! The Lord is always with us, but we always enjoy His greatest blessings when we are walking together.

I hope to see everyone on Sunday!

Fr. Tom+

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Of jokes, recovery and healing………

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Though I am out of the hospital and doing (in my mind) just fine, as I have been thinking about my experience. And one of the things that remember is the graciousness and care of the many people who took care of me and performed all those tests. It must be a difficult job, after all, I am pretty certain I am one of the world’s worst patients….okay I know I am.

Many of my tests of course were on my brain and my heart. And in each room, in my anxiety-ridden state I would say (to help me get through it), “My wife just wants to see to see if I have a heart/brain.” Or after the test I would ask, “Doc, (with stuttering….we have to stay in the scene) can you please tell her you found a heart/brain?” Each time they smiled and they laughed, and they acted like it was the first time they had ever heard those jokes, when in fact they probably hear them at least 10 times each day! (DOCTOR’S REPORT: Incidentally I did show the existience of BOTH a heart and a brain, and though that puzzled Amanda very much, (as it would many wives) apparently the docs told her you cannot have strokes without both)

What I can say from all of this it that it is has provided me with a helpful perspective to have as a priest…..a look from the other side of the hospital bed. Not that all this is behind me by any means, but because hospitals and patients within them are such a constant part of my life. Fear, anxiety, pain, illness, family-issues, tons of things come into play when something goes haywire with a loved one’s health. And the dynamic of all of these scenarios is often as varied as the people and the experiences they are going through. I understand, I had a stroke, but after a few days they let me walk by myself, and when they did I was up doing laps in the hall. I had the drive, but I also had the ability, albiet with some struggle. But some of my cellmates there will never walk again, and some are still there fighting. The truth is, how we all deal with issues such as these are important, and how we deal with the people struggling through them is important too. Only the jokes to get us by and the sexy hospital gowns appeared to be the same…everything else seems patient-specific.

I want you to know that I’ll be back, and I intend to be back to that very floor within weeks. I’m going to dress a little different when I go, so people don’t have to ask anymore, “Are you REALLY a priest?” But I know what it is to feel the things I did last week, and there were many troubling and fearful thoughts. But they cared for me, during a time I was really struggling, with anxiety-laden jokes and all.

The good news however, is that within me they found both a heart and a brain.

I have every intention of using them.

God Bless…

Fr. Tom+

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My brain, and yes, it’s still there……..

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Because I was heading back to the neurologist yesterday I wanted to wait until after my appointment to post. Though I was only one of three people in the exam room (my doctor, my wife, and I) and though I certainly was apprehensive, I do want to report that it all went pretty well. In a nutshell, basically, I have a bit of work to do to get to where I both need and want to be. I have indicators of problems in a few areas, but as I told Amanda in front of the doctor, not loading the dishwasher is a problem I had pre-stroke, and was not a neurological issue that he needed to deal with….but I digress. (but I still struggle with the dishes)

The bottom line is that even though there are a few test results we are still waiting for, they will not change my bottom line. I will have some speech therapy, I will watch myself, I will work hard, and I will do all I can to make sure I recover and that this never happens again. Thankfully the chances of a repeat performance apparently are extremely low, so hopefully sooner or later I will get back to only seeing my doctor for check-ups like everyone else. My face is still a little numb, and I stutter a bit, but I am 46 and have a 10 month old baby……I already ache all the time. And if Mel Tillis can overcome stuttering to record tons of country songs, why should I worry about a few sermons? After all, maybe the change of pace in my “giddy-up” will help a wake a few people up!

I want you all to understand though, despite my making fun of it, I do take my health very seriously, as we all should. Laughing for me however, helps me to deal with things as I go through them, particularly hard things. In truth, the Lord only gives us this one body, and you have to take care of it. I want you to know that I am working hard to take care of mine. I hope and pray you are too.

Please praying for me as I continue to walk forward. I appreciate it very much and it is the most helpful thing for me that you can do.

God Bless, and thanks!

Fr. Tom+

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Playing Smarter, Not Harder……

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Today has been a bag of mixed emotions. I had trouble last night going to sleep, particularly after my wife, upon reading my last blog post, had to correct three spelling errors……including the word “priest.” You might not find that monumental yourself, but I worked very hard to check that post, and probably did so 10 times before ever posting it! It was just a glaring reminder that things are not quite right yet in my brain.

Of course I can tell. I know I am in good shape, and I know I am capable of lots of things, but when simple things require that much thought, and still produce simple right in front of you mistakes, well, you cannot help but being a bit unnerved. I laugh at my crooked smile, I make fun of searching for words, and I make the most of it all in my usual “joke about it” style. And I publicly apologize to Amanda in particular, because I understand that when I answer the phone “Eli Lilly” it’s apparently only funny to me, but to her looks like another episode. I am trying to achieve balance though, because I need my sense of humor to move ahead.

I didn’t say a lot this morning before Amanda left for work, but it worried me she was leaving. You may remember that last Monday I hosted a small party of paramedics and neighbors here in her absence, and the first part of that party I don’t remember. So as Ben and I played together in the same room this morning, it couldn’t stop going through my mind….”what if happens again?” Of course it didn’t, (at least I don’t think so!) and Ben and I are both doing great, but I suppose it will take me some time to feel totally secure about it all. Even without the memory of the episode itself, the whole thing is still pretty overwhelming.

I know I have to take it in stride though…there is an old athletic concept I have always followed called playing smarter but not harder. In my life I need to play smarter, and not concentrate upon the things of which I have no control, just upon the ones of which I do. I know I have some struggles, but really they are relatively few, and though they still bother me, being sucked into them only makes me less effective. Ironically, I just want to get back to normal, and yes, I hear the snickers…..normal for me probably isn’t normal for you or many others!

I go to the neurologist tomorrow for my follow up appointment and will hear the plan. But most of all I will apologize for any mistakes in this post today…..I have re-read it, and I swear I have spell-checked it many times over…..but I am playing smarter. After all, I am married and still need my wife to come and tell me where I have been wrong!

Peace my friends, and let’s move ahead!

Fr. Tom+

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A New Start……Literally.

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I am restarting this blog today and writing it, more I suppose for therapy than anything else. On Monday morning April 14th I suffered a small stroke, and spent the week in the hospital.

There has truly been no experience in my life that I can compare to this. Though I look fine, I still feel pretty weak. I am a little droopy on the left side of my face, I stutter at times, and have trouble putting together thoughts, particularly when speaking or writing…but writing is clearly getting better. The last sentence I had to stop and think about a lot, but I can go back and look at it. The whole thing reminds me of taking a foreign language. You think in your mind the English sentence and then try to remember the words to exchange for them in the foreign language….it takes some time, and it an be frustrating, but more than anything, I want you to know I am up to the challenge, AND, I will be fine.

Of course I have to be. I write, speak, and pray for a living (okay it is a vocation for me) but you get my point. Thinking and communicating are vital in what I do, and it is really scary to think about not being able to do that. But more than that, I have teenage children who I am convinced would NEVER clean their rooms or let the dogs out without my direction. Plus Ben, who is just 10 months, needs to have me teach him how to drive his mom nuts! It is imperative I get better!

As you can see, I still can laugh. My smile is a little crooked, but perhaps that just reflects a bit of the character that the Lord has had in me all along. In truth I am up, I am breathing, I am laughing, I am walking, and I am alive. Was it scary? You bet. Will I continue to take care of myself? For sure, I was taking care of myself before. But in the whole scheme of things, all of these things are just obstacles to overcome…..and I promise I will.

As a discipline for myself, and as a therapy, I will now post daily to this blog. I ask and hope that you pray for me and help to support me in this endeavor.

I intend to return to St. Michael the Archangel to deliver the sermons on Sunday the 27th in both our Hamilton County and Anderson Missions. It would mean a great deal to me if you would come and join me in celebration there.

Father Tom+