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My brain, my brain, my kingdom for my brain………

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I have had a great week, but tonight is quite difficult. Earlier in the week I was asked to consider writing an article for a professional journal that is being developed, and enthusiastically responded. I have always thought about the possibility of writing, so I wrote and asked them to narrow a few topics, which they did.

Why is tonight difficult? Because I have exposed another big blindspot in my recovery from my stroke. Though I knew the topic(s), I clearly have lost the ability to explain it(them). I looked and looked at it, and all that came to me was confusion and even fear. I knew better than to push, so I set it aside for a few hours and came back to it again……but no. My abilities to understand complex theological concepts and explain them seems to be gone….at least for now, and this is heartbreaking to me.

In terms of my career however, I have always been a theologian for the people in the pew. It used to fry me something fierce to hear some priest talking from the pulpit in language I could never understand…..AND they were often dull and boring too! I tried to make sure I never was, nor am I now. BUT, I did learn the concepts, and I did learn to speak the language…..I just never used it. I suppose I translated more than anything…..people need to understand.

But now I am afraid a lot of that is gone. I still seem to understand the material, I just can’t seem to form it right in my mind to say or write it. Doing these blogs has been helpful to me, but remember I am not teaching anything in it. My sermons require more work than ever now, and I really struggle sometimes just to get by with them. I will look at what they wrote again tomorrow, but my brain needs a new route to get to where I need to be.

I also have had other signs that I need work that I suppose I also can confess. Though I have finished The Chronicles of Narnia series, I remember no where near what I would have pre-stroke. I am reading Basic Christianity now by John Stott, and have to reread things again and again, just to get a basic handle……not good. But all in God’s time my friends not mine. I have considered the possibility that the Lord would rather I just read the comics, but for now I will consider that just my back-up plan. I continue to work, and though I make progress it seems incredibly slow, with occasional setbacks like I have had this week…..blindspots always are!

So keep me in your prayers. I am still the smartest 47 year old priest from Mishawaka, Indiana in this house, and for now I am holding onto that. I have gotten stupid before (just ask my wife) but in time I seem to recover. This may mean this is just not my time, and if that’s the case so be it. I intend to live a long time and continue to get better. And in the meantime I will continue to read, write these blogs, and struggle through sermons.

There is light at the end of the tunnel I swear, and I am more than certain it is where I am supposed to go, and not a train!

Keep the faith!

Tom+

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Times are a-changin………

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I was out and about today, and as I was driving I was amazed at how many people were talking on cell phones as they drove. It reminded me of a conversation I had with Steph last week who keeps in touch with her boyfriend and all her other friends now by “texting.” She was surprised by our conversation when I said we used to actually “see” people, and when we couldn’t see them we would talk to them on the telephone……with both cords and rotary dials, but not constantly.

Technology, with its pros and cons, has come a long way. In college there were no personal computers, yet today this blog, and tons of stuff I do for work and for my family gets done by one of our computers at home. I remember that my first cell phone was as big as a football and actually looked like a phone. And my first pager broadcast voices rather than numbers. Times have changed! All my sermons are now in computer files, our church has a website, and much of my world is entrenched in cyberspace!

My teenagers however, still think I am in the dark ages……like I drive a chariot and use an abacus. But I know better. The computer age has made communication much more efficient. As a church, we seem to get a lot more done. And, in this world of modern technology, if we are going to reach the generations to come, we need to be out in front of all that is happening.

I confess however, I do miss the old days where I could be out away from anything that could ring or send me email. As a matter of fact, though I type many of these blogs on my back porch using my laptop, my back porch is much more enjoyable without the computer and with just me and Puddy relaxing.

I know , I know…….I am a dinosaur in many ways, but as Pastor Rick Warren says, this life is just preparation for the next. I need some peace, and I am practicing, because I am pretty sure there will be no cell phones in heaven! I will put it into my prayer list on my PDA. After all, one can only hope!

Nite and God Bless.

Fr. Tom+

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Oh I need some sleep!!!!

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One of the things that surprised me in life was being diagnosed with “sleep apnea” last December. I really didn’t want to believe it, after all I was young and in pretty good shape, but sure enough the tests showed it was not only present, but pretty severe.

So January suddenly found me in bed with a mask, a hose, and an air machine turned up so high I could use it to fly kites in my house. It scared me at first, because it was all so “space-age,” but after a few minor additions (such as the astronaut helmet, the space suit, and Little Tyke Space Rocket Steering Wheel) it all seemed rather cool. Suddenly I slept like a baby (an astronaut baby) and began waking up feeling better than I had in years.

Oddly enough though, as I have written about in this blog before, I had a stroke 3 1/2 months after going on the machine. It is supposed to help prevent them, yet I had one despite it. It not only confused me, but it also depressed me. And though I still faithfully wear it, I am beginning to notice some changes.

First of all, Amanda made me get rid of all my astronaut gear, which really makes it less exciting. And now she refuses to call me “Buzz” anymore too. But more than that, despite wearing it (I was going to say “religiously” but priests do most things that way) every night, I am beginning to feel restless, don’t sleep well, and am exhausted when I wake up. It’s just like the old days, but I do want this behind me!

Anyway, I am working to change a few things in my life in the day with the hopes I will sleep better at night. And tonight I am sneaking some Tang and string cheese (the closest thing I can find to the old “space food sticks” I enjoyed as a kid) into my nightstand. Houston may have a problem, but not me tonight. God wiling I will I will accomplish tonight’s mission and wake up well rested and refreshed, and ready to start another day!

Nite my friends…and God Bless!

Tom+

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Of following the letter of the law………

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My wife is pretty busy, so one thing she has always wanted is a cleaning lady. From time to time, we would find someone, but since we could not afford to pay much, we often got what we paid for. And with both of us working, an infant, and two teenagers, (the kids and Amanda are all very messy…..I am the epitome of cleanliness) we needed to do something. So after a lot of thought and prayer we found the perfect cleaning lady…….the wonderful and talented 16 year old Stephanie Tirman. Steph needs the gas money and entertainment moola, and she offered to do it because she thought it would be fun.

And surprisingly, Steph does a pretty good job too. Not that we took her room as a reference…..it is clearly a Federal Disaster Area. But in the other parts she is careful and meticulous, and even seems to take great pride in her work.

BUT………she has a list from Amanda and cleans to the very letter of the law. If it is not on her list, then it doesn’t get done, and today I got a big charge out of that very fact.

You see, this morning when I went to let out the dogs (they have a room in the basement) I went through the rec room and saw two blankets wadded up on the two couches…..one was Steph’s and one was Scott’s. Our basement gets pretty cold and they often watch movies late into the night and have been doing that a lot lately since Amanda bought them a few. This last time they just left the blankets on their respective couches and went to bed…where they were till this morning.

Now being the great dad that I am, I was going to pick them up, fold them, and put them away. After all it was no big deal. But then I remember that Steph would be cleaning today and that they were HER AND HER BROTHER’S blankets and clearly she would just do them herself…….but what I can clearly see now (since they are both still there) is that they were not on her list.

And it totally amazed me how she moved things, dusted, and swept….all while not disturbing those two BIG blankets there on the couches! It probably took more effort to not move them than to fold them, but of course she was just doing what she agreed to. And the basement looks great too…..all but for those two wadded up blankets.

Now I am not complaining. It really did make me laugh. And Scotty does the same thing too. You could tell him to turn off the TV before bed, and he would every time, but if you don’t say “and don’t forget to turn off the lights too,” well then, you should plan for them to be on. They are good kids, always within the law of our home…..but always following it just to the letter.

No worries though……..I have asked Amanda to add “and pick up your messes” to her cleaning list!

Nite my friends and God bless.

Tom+

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“What’s in a name?” And don’t call me Juliet!

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I have been thinking a lot about names lately, and my name in particular. My name is of course, “Thomas,” meaning “the twin,” though I understand (from witnesses) that I was born all by myself, and am far from having two personalities!

But the funny thing is that no one really ever calls me Thomas, nor have they ever. And honestly that’s something for which I am very thankful. My feelings for my full name border a little past “strong dislike.” Tom is fine, but Thomas is out! Not only is it the name of a toy train covered apparently with tons of lead paint, but it just seems so formal.

I actually grew up as Tommy, which is the name I prefer, but the one I tried to escape at 12 years old as being too childish. I made such a big fuss about it in Florida with my dad’s mom (Grandma Keenan) that I am sure I hurt her feelings. It embarrasses me to this day! Pre-adolescent stands are sometimes so foolish when we look back at them….okay they almost always are. And isn’t it ironic that as an adult I like Tommy better now.

Tommy however, doesn’t flow too well professionally. Father Tommy or Doctor Tommy seems like a name for me at 5 in a Halloween costume. And at home my wife doesn’t like me to use it. But she doesn’t like Mandy either, which is what her family calls her. Too bad, because I like them both. And I do not know why she is so against it. I think it is better to call me Tommy around the house rather than “your highness,” or “Brad Pitt,” like she normally does…..after all I am not really royalty.

But people often ask me what I want them to call me, and I always say, “call me whatever you like, what makes you comfortable.” I suppose this is a way of saying I still mean that. But in my heart, I will always be just Tommy. And since I know she can hear me, I’m sorry grandma…..you were right! My real name is Tommy, and Tommy it will always be.

Nite and God bless!

Tommy+ (Fr. Tom+)

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A day I would rather not relive………..

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Though I thought today would be pretty relaxing, it was anything but. Deacon Conley was doing the sermon at all our missions this weekend, and it looked to be a welcome break for me. Things went well yesterday, but this morning as I was leaving for St. Patrick’s, Amanda shared that her head was killing her, and that she felt she was possibly getting another migraine. She told me she had already taken her migraine medicine, but that was also a clear indicator that she would not be heading to church. All through that first service I thought about how I wish I had taken Ben with me, but I couldn’t really assume there would be someone there to care for him during the service. I did however know that Father Chuck would be at St. Anne’s in Anderson for our 11:30 service. And no, I was not intending to ask Chuck to watch Ben, but I figured I would sit in the congregation with Ben at St. Anne’s while Chuck celebrated for me……after all, I did so well with Ben yesterday!

But all three of our deacons were a St. Patrick’s with me, and after the service they suggested a more intelligent solution…..that I go home and take care of both of them. And though I did want to go to Anderson, it was a good suggestion. I took their advice and went how to a very appreciative wife and a very excited boy! Amanda went right to bed, and Ben and I went right back to the wrestling match we started yesterday! It was the right thing to do all around.

But clearly by the late afternoon, the lingering effects of my stroke were evident. I just don’t have it some days and today was one of them. I was wiped out by 5. Fortunately Amanda was up and feeling better which allowed me to get some rest.

Of course I always remember the line that there is no rest for the wicked, and I am not sure why that always comes to my mind when things begin to go wrong, but it always seems to! For just as I was thinking about finishing this blog up at about 9pm and heading to bed, I got a call from the nursing home telling me that my mom had had a seizure. So I was off to the nursing home to see her, and thankfully she was fine.

My mom is a sad story. She is young, just in her late 60’s and has been in a nursing home from diabetic and smoking related strokes and TIA’s for about 10 years. She had three children, but my two sisters, Stephanie and Sarah, died from cancer in 2001 and 2004 respectively. I am her only living child, and I feel very sorry for her. She was extremely close to my sisters, and though we always laugh that she got stuck with the worst of us, I can’t help but thinking at times as if she is thinking, “no kidding.” She just reads, still smokes, and now is wheelchair bound. She sometimes is incredibly confused (dementia) but tonight was pretty sharp, and concerned.

She is one of the reasons I have worked so hard to avoid diabetes. My grandfather had a similar story, but I will be where it stops. I will confess however that the stroke scared and scares me to death in terms of my family history. I have a lot of life and living to do…..I do not intend to do it with a demented mind or from a home if I can avoid it!

Anyway, the day (I hope) is done, and I am thankful for it. I will still be receiving a call from the nursing home tonight, but I will pray it is just for a report. My wife had told me to make sure I pick up the kitchen, so I know she is okay. (I read this to her and she has now threatened to write her own blog to refute my clear and truthful persecution) But I am exhausted and hope to hit the bed.

But tonight I am thankful for the great guys I work with, for they are not just good souls (most of the time) they are my friends, and I know they care for me. I love what I do, and I love the people I do it with. I am truly blessed……even on the most exhausting days! Thanks be to God!

Nite my friends, and God bless.

Tom+

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Of my incredible wrestling abilities………

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Tonight all of our clergy, with the exception of Father Sean who starts next week, snuck down to St. Matthew’s in Nashville to sit in the congregation as Deacon Tony Bender (our newest deacon) held his first Deacon’s Mass. No pressure on Tony that’s for sure (ha ha)…..just Deacon Dan helping him and the other three of us sitting out there smiling at him! But despite all of us staring at him, he did a great job. (He’s a pretty steady, good natured guy!) I actually had never been present for a Deacon’s Mass before, because when a priest is present he usually just celebrates the Eucharist himself. But Father Chuck had seen a Deacon’s Mass, and I wanted to see one…..and who better to see for my first than my good friend of 25 years Tony Bender?

But actually, that is not my story tonight. My story is Ben, and more than that, it’s Amanda too. You see, I NEVER sit in a congregation except on rare occasions, and those rare occasions are never in any of my own churches. So tonight as a rookie out there in the seats, I made a real rookie mistake. I decided it would be a good idea for me to hang with Ben through the service. Little did I know it would not be all worship and observation for me…..no, it was often a wrestling match instead, and I lost a lot of its rounds.

Ben first wanted the collar tab that makes the white square in the uniform of a priest. (He has NO concept of personal space) It’s funny how he is always stealing that collar tab from me, but this time after he stole it, he was adamant about not giving it back! Then he decided he wanted to throw stuff on the floor, then he wanted to jump, and then he wanted to yell just to hear his voice! So I got up and took him with me to the last row, but about half way through the service Amanda felt that he and I were just being too much and he was taken away from me faster than the Cubs lose in September every year. And to this very moment I am not sure whether it was punishment or a gift, but needless to say I needed it either way. And he was whisked off and returned a short time later as delightful as ever.

How she does that, I will never know, but I have to say, I admire her work. I know he doesn’t understand words too well, but he certainly seemed to understand her. She has a real handle on how to handle him, and for that I am thankful.

In truth, I am just happy she didn’t whisk me away…….I do not think I would have fared as well!

So now we are home and Ben is asleep and the day is at its end! Thank the Lord! I am not watching tomorrow, but will be back up in my usual spot. I know the congregation, and especially Amanda, will be thankful for that!

Nite and God Bless!

Tom+

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Of Aslan, Scotty, and the Last Battle…….

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As a summer project, Scotty and I have been reading “The Chronicles of Narnia” together, though “together” generally means I am way ahead of him. Many years ago, Steph and I read “The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe” together, but that was as far as I went. When Scott and I decided to read the series, I asked Steph about it. Steph, who is an avid reader, was able to provide us with two full sets of the series from her personal library!

It amazes me at how much I love to read, but how little I actually do. I find it very relaxing AND, I find that it also helps in my rehab. This series in particular has been so much fun for me too. As a priest, CS Lewis was a theologian, not a fiction writer. But “The Chronicles of Narnia” seems to contain both fiction and theology. It has been a real blessing to me, as well as a privilege to read them with Scott.

I began to read “The Last Battle” this evening, which is the last book in the series, and I am both excited and depressed about getting to its end! I know there are other books I can read, but there have been few books I have enjoyed as much as these.

Anyway, I’m off to stay ahead! I hope to finish “The Last Battle” by bedtime. Of course the last battle is never really over……..I still have to push that 15 year old boy of mine to catch up! But in truth, it is still easier than getting him to clean his room!

Nite and God bless!

Fr. Tom+

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Elvis is in the building………well, kind of…….

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I saw him today, and he is here, in Indiana, and even has a home here! Oh no, it’s not really Elvis, but rather Father Sean Templeton who joins our staff beginning August 1st! (In my mind, Sean is definitely better than Elvis anyway!)

We met Sean up at the house he is renting in Muncie and helped him move some things and unpack a bunch of books (thousands, maybe millions). We then held our clergy meeting at the Bob Evans there in Muncie. Now I have been to a lot of clergy meetings in my time, and I have to say that I like the ones at Bob Evans or Cracker Barrel the best. (Ideally, they would be best if the first half was at one and the second at the other, but I digress) There is nothing like hanging out with the very guys who will be visiting you in the hospital when all that fat you are eating plugs up your arteries. (Elvis would be proud) But I can truly confess that a great time was had by all.

Anyway, Sean will be heading back to Ohio tomorrow for his final weekend preaching and celebrating in the parish he was erving there. I am sure they will hold a big party for him, but I also know there will be a lot of tears. Though people I am certain are happy for him, it will indeed be hard for them to see him go.

But here we will be planning another party…..one to welcome him as one of our own!

Keep him in your prayers as he travels!

Nite my friends and God Bless.

Tom+

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Okay, morning MUST BE a relative term……..

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What a goofball I am! I really thought I had accomplished so much today, and yet as I sat down tonight to type this, thinking I could complete it and go to bed early, I read the promise yesterday (of an apparent lunatic) saying he would be up early and write in the morning! What would possess him to say those things???? Probably just the same flawed gene that is responsible in my life for the lines, “sure mom, I cleaned my room,” “if we just get a puppy I will ALWAYS take care of him,” “don’t worry about those cookies, I will just have one,” and of course the famous, “I promise I’ll do it tomorrow” which is of course just a comprehensive excuse that not only gets one out of a lot of responsibilites, but which also implies a very noble intention…..a great distraction for those of us with forgetful minds!

Anyway, sorry to dissapoint you, but this post will be the only one I will ,or even can, offer today. I and my memory appear to be about as reliable as Brittany Spears in a Mother of the Year Contest.

So for tonight, I am out on the porch with the door to the house open, and the cat coming in and out, which is not just her job, but her prerogative. My body is adjusting back to the long day I had yesterday, and hopefully by morning it will be back on track. Our regular clergy meeting tomorrow will be in Muncie where our new assistant priest is moving. We will meet there at 10am (now I just heard 9am!!) to unload his furniture into the house he is going to live in. He will head back to Ohio for his final weekend at his Church there and before leaving to join our staff on August 1st. He (Father Sean) is a great guy, and we love him to death, but tonight my prayers will be for his furniture to be light!!!!

On a disconnected note, let me say, I hope you are enjoying this blog. I have to confess, it has not turned out the way I intended….anywhere near what I intended in fact! I really did think it would be more theological (which in priest’s terms means smarty-pants stuff, but in the regular world means “dull”) but I suppose it is what it is. I NEEDED to write to help myself recover from the stroke, and in truth all that I have written has been helpful. But here’s the confession…..it has also pointed out a piece that I will need to share with my doctors in September if things have not changed. I have indeed lost a big important thinking part of my brain.

But before you fret, or even panic, please remember I process most of my life through my faith. I believe this not to be a tragedy as much as a call to a new direction. Time will tell, and we will see….but I KNOW I will be a priest until the day that I die. I just think how and what I am doing is beginning to change. Please pray for me. For more than anything else right now, I both want and NEED the Lord to intervene to let me know that moving furniture tomorrow to be a bad idea.

But I am not holding my breath.

Nite my friends, and God Bless!

Fr. Tom+