All posts by Fr Tom Tirman

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Of fevers, farm girls, and family……..

It is pretty ironic that I have gone on leave, especially since I spent all of last night and most of the day with chills and a fever…..I clearly would be out this weekend anyhow. I ache (probably from the fever) and have a big headache, yet I am amazed at my ability to not get things right. Here’s the truth, I picked up a bug someplace and it is having its way with me. But since the stroke, every headache I get fills me with fear that something surrounding that is wrong! What strikes me as odd is that I never ever had a headache when I had the stroke, nor do I even remember it. Yet anything different makes you worry……an ache in one place, blurry vision even when I know I wear glasses, stumbling on a word (though I have done that for my entire life), anything!

One of the things I had to do today is take my son Scotty to the high school for a band performance. Both Steph and Scott play instruments and both had to play, Steph just has a car and insisted her performance was going to “suck” and she begged us, almost in tears, not to go! It was one of the few things I have missed in her life, but more of a pastoral issue. She said half of their small ensemble didn’t show and she was so thankful I too was numbered among the missing…

Scotty I was able to watch, fever and all. He plays trumpet with the band, and they did quite a few numbers and sounded wonderful. I totally scared him however on the way home. My sister-in-law Rhonda is an Occupational Therapist and was in Indianapolis the last few days with another OT, her friend Wanda, for a conference. As I talked about them both I guess I didn’t separate things or more than likely he wasn’t listening well (we call him Captain ADD, but I clearly am the ADD King). So when I kept interchanging Wanda and Rhonda, Scotty thought I might be having another stroke!! He finally stopped me from talking and asked if I was okay. We ended up laughing, which of course I do a lot with Scott.

The hardest part of my day has been needing to stay away from Ben and my 4 year-old niece Kayla who has been here since Wednesday. I think I probably have a sinus infection, but you can never be too careful. Neither of them understand it, but for those of us with the experience of staying up all night with a sick baby or 4 year-old, we know the importance of good healthy distance!

Right now Amanda and Rhonda are downstairs being typical Kansas women….when they start to cook I have to get out of the way. (they tell me to too) They make enough food for every farm in the county, yet neither of them lives on a farm anymore…nor anywhere near one. I think it just makes them feel better, like remembering growing up. And I believe that there is nothing ever wrong with that!

I took some Advil and hopefully it will help. I am sure I have a lot of burgers and farm food to eat in just a few minutes, so I hope to end my first full day of leave headache-free and full!

God bless all of you. I appreciate your prayers and your reading this blog. It helps me a lot. Writing is the one thing I have almost fully recovered, and being able to communicate without worrying about stuttering or losing a thought is a real blessing to me!

I will see you all very soon!

Fr. Tom+

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A hard, but responsible pill to swallow…….

First of all, I want to apologize for not posting yesterday. It was a terribly busy day filled with meetings and phone calls……AND it was rainy and dreary, reflecting much of what I was dealing with and feeling about it.

After much discussion of how I have been getting along and with lots of prayer, the decision has been made for me to go on a short medical leave, and the hopeful word is “short.” Right now we are looking towards June 1st as a targeted return date. I want you to understand that this leave has little to do with my ability to do the Sunday parts of my job. After all, I came back and delivered a sermon two weeks ago and even baptized a baby last week. It’s just that my job is much more than preaching celebrating the Eucharist at the services that people attend. We were also in the process of planting a new Church in Greenfield which was due to launch on June 1, but the work I have to deal with around that, among all my other work, appears to be too difficult right now for my mind to catch up to. So in talking about these things with our Bishop, Bishop Roger Ames, he suggested that I not only take this medical leave, but that we delay the launch of St. Paul’s in Greenfield some 90 days too….our new target launch day will be September 7th. And this takes a lot of stress off everyone.

This decision is difficult for me just a few weeks prior to launching, but I understand it completely. The more difficult issue for me is the admission that my mind hasn’t healed enough to handle everything I need to handle. My ability to handle complex concepts, and particularly stress, really were blindspots that the Lord has exposed to me over the past week. And as I have had to deal with these blindspots what I have found was that my progress (recovery-wise) in a lot of areas deteriorated. Much of my stuttering, confusion, and numbness has reappeared. An as you can imagine, all if it has upset me a great deal because I was and I am doing well in so many other areas. But the bottom line is that God gives you only one body and this is mine….I need to take care of it. I need to be better. As husband, a parent and even as a priest, my desire is to do well in all the areas I walk in. So maybe with a little intentional rest, I will get to where I need to be more quickly.

As a long time athlete and coach, I can say I always appreciate the players who are aware of their shortcomings and come off the ice/field (I say ice, because I was an ice hockey player and I am convinced that ice hockey is God’s favorite sport and what we will all play in heaven) when they are not doing well in order to further the goals of their team. I want you to understand, though I personally want to stay in the game, (believe me more than anything) I need to come off that ice, because if I don’t skate over to the box and get some rest, I know I’ll be stuttering and confused a lot longer than I need to or should. On the outside I look fine and can do many things. On the inside I quite often am fine too….but not all the time. Listen, I don’t want to be at an overall 60-70% (no longer a D but an F!) which is where I would assess I am this week…..I want instead to be back to normal. And in time I will be.

Please keep me in your prayers. I am doing all I can to make sure that we get to where I need to be. I hope to fulfill in an expedient way my wife’s constant prayer for me since the day we started dating…..”Lord, he’s not right. Just make him normal.”

Hang in there while I am hanging out! I will be back as soon as I can.

God Bless!

Fr. Tom+

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Of high waves and other challenges…….

I am not much of a boater, nor do I ever swim in the ocean, but I can certainly relate to being out among the high waves. That’s what life feels like to me right now. It seems so very ridiculous to me, after all, I can talk and I can walk, but within just an instant, it can seem as if the waves of my life are overwhelming. What I find I both interesting and frustrating at the same time is that I am perfectly aware of it when it happens, yet seemingly helpless to resolve my situation. It’s all slow motion in those times….I know what I want to do and what I should do, but it suddenly just escapes me. We’ve all had times when we lose our thoughts, it’s just for me happening all the time, especially when I am stressed.
I often think of being with people who hyperventilate. You work hard to keep them calm, because panicking just makes things worse. I lose thoughts, things overwhelm me, I get mad way too easy, and a variety of other “goodies” follow me throughout the day. I need not panic, just calmly move through them. They will not be with me forever, just a while. I do not see them as roadblocks, but rather challenges. And I intend to conquer them all.
I will meet with all our clergy tomorrow morning here at my home and we will be having a frank discussion about all of this. I do not think I am doing too much, and I know the docs want me to be doing stuff to get back, yet my ability to handle everything I used to is just not there right now. Some things give me a great deal of difficulty, and I need to do those things when I am in a better place. Other things, like writing, praying for people, doing work that challenges me yet is not pressured, hanging out on the sidelines of a lacrosse game, changing diapers (Ben’s), goofing around with my kids, I can do now. But I am clearly missing some pieces and as we all know, the puzzle doesn’t look right, it isn’t whole, without all the pieces there.
I know this is hard to hear, but I am not yet better, and it is something most difficult to hear in my own ears. I look fine, and for the most part can act fine….I just don’t feel fine and have a lot of trouble regaining my gait after stumbling. I am still running, I just need to make sure I stay in the race. The setbacks both worry and scare me, but the best way to deal with them is head-on.
I want you to know that I am still committed to doing just that….it just looks as if I need to pace myself a little more.
After all, life is a long distance race not a sprint, and it is a race that I still intend to win!
God’s Peace to you all!
Fr. Tom+
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Fuzzy Wuzzy needs a brain…or at least one that isn’t fuzzy. Or does he?

I feel like I am in training….and oh how do I wish this were just a sport. How I wish it were a matter of me just running further or lifting a few more weights. How I wish it were a matter of just eating right and doing the right things. What makes this a challenge is that it is my brain…and all I want to do is get it to work normal…..okay, normal for me.

The last few days for me have been challenging. My job often deals with hard issues. Often stress is high, and these past few days have provided me plenty….actually enough stress for us all! The byproduct of all the stress has been frustrating too. I have been stuttering a lot since Thursday. The fuzziness that disappeared for a few days is back sporadically since then as well. I know I need to rest, but I also know I need to work to get better. I know I need to think and talk to get where I want to be, and that is the real training for me. Yet when things are foggy and choppy, it makes it harder to move ahead. I believe it is what they call a “Catch-22′” but it really feels like treading water! I need balance, and to ease in, but life doesn’t often meter itself. This past week it has been a bit out of whack.

Here’s some truth I would like to share. I know I often say I am fine, because in my heart I have to hear and believe I am in order to move ahead. Yet I know I really am not…at least not 100%. I know I am nowhere near 100%. I am more aware than anyone that my body and my manner were not like this a month ago, and if this blog is really going to be an honest report to others about how I am doing, and a part of my work to get back to that normal, then I need to be honest with you AND with myself.

I have to keep at it, and I am. Today was a little better, and I hope tomorrow takes me further towards complete recovery. But, if I have to take a few steps back occasionally, so be it. The key is to trust that the Lord will keep me on the road to healing.

In truth, I have to trust Him…..my mind is too fuzzy….too fuzzy in fact right now to put together anything more that makes sense…

As frustrating as it seems I will not worry about it. Tomorrow is another day!

Keep praying!

Fr. Tom+

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Of walking in the fire swamp……..

I have two movies I am very fond of, one ironically is “A Beautiful Mind,” and the other could be no further from it, “The Princess Bride.” And, as I have worked to recover my mind both have become pretty inspirational to me.

It’s not as if I have lost it, or as if I walk around grasping and groping for answers, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. What I deal with is lots of progress littered with periods of struggle and frustration. Clearly these periods have cause, after all I have had a stroke, but they are exasperated by things that I have been able to identify, and right now I am making a list.

I am no doubt worse when I get tired, and I tire more easily than before. Stress can also set off stuttering and confusion, and that stuttering and confusion can lead to frustration. It has been a stressful week for me, and as I attempt to step back into my job, things happen that cause me the very stress that triggers the episodes. Yet, (yes I know the question, why don’t you just take more time off?) when I do nothing, I get down and depressed, and that causes even more struggle. In truth, like all stroke patients, in order to get better, I need to learn to walk here…..and that’s where The Princess Bride comes in.

There’s a little remembered scene in the movie where the hero and heroine, not by choice but by necessity, need to travel through a treacherous place where no one has ever been known to survive. It’s known as the fire swamp. What they find however in being there, is that if they pay attention to the things that can hurt them, if they study them and learn from them, that they too can learn to walk there……and they do. They survive.

I too will survive, because I am committed to learning and walking ahead. Being a priest has always been great for me, but in over 18 years as one, it has never been easy. You do your best, despite the perils of the fire swamp, and work to make it through, not because of anything other than being called.

I am still walking there and learning as I do. I have every intention of coming out safely on the other side.

Keep praying for me! I appreciate it.

Fr. Tom+

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Of lists, memory, progress and priests….

Okay, clearly I lost a day…..but not bad all things considered. I am trying to move away from very detailed lists and working hard to work on remembering. I told Amanda that I thought I was taller and better looking than I was pre-stroke, so clearly I have a bit of work to do, but the big thing is that moving ahead energizes me and that I want to get to where I need to be! I remember saying a few days ago that no one bats 1000 for very long, and it’s the truth. In my (former) athletic mind I know I have to WORK to get better, and I also know that you never win every game. I want you to know that I don’t expect to….what I expect is to move toward winning most of the time. ANd, I think I am closer to that each day!

As a side-note, I want to share, and ask you to rejoice with me, in the celebration for the ordination of a few of my good friends to the priesthood last night in Akron, Ohio. I was so very sorry I could not make the trip to be there, but they were in my thoughts and prayers. They started the day as deacons, and finished as priests….but as I know, it of course is more of a starting line than a destination. I do however rejoice in that these men are not just high quality and qualified candidates for this, they are also my friends! Please join me in rejoicing for their ordinations. They are Sean Templeton of Holy Trinity, Milan Ohio, Kevin Maney of St Matthew’s, Westerville Ohio, Greg Heath of St Anne-in-the-Fields, Madison Ohio, David Smith of Good Samaritan, Cleveland Heights Ohio, and Jeremy Lile of St Luke’s, Akron Ohio!

Thanks for remembering me today in your prayers and please pray for my family, particularly for my wife. Amanda has a hard job even when I am healthy! And, even with my recuperating mind, I still worry about her.

I am glad I remembered today!! Let’s see how I do tomorrow!

Peace!

Fr. Tom+

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Of busy bees, brains, and brawn……..

Under the circumstances, I suppose I should be happy to remember to post, especially since the tardiness in this case is not a product of my damaged brain as much as it is just being busy. For me, I believe that is a good thing, in that I seem to be thriving and showing a lot of progress as I give myself things to do. Being busy has been a real blessing for me, and it has focused my attention and energy upon life rather than illness.

I have another busy day ahead, but I just wanted to say thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers. It seems to be making a difference….after all I know the busy bee always gets the worm.

I know, I know……I am not quite right. But then again, I never really was! But I am getting stronger every day!

Keep praying and thanks!

Fr. Tom+

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Happy Birthday Grandma!!!

It is a big day! Today my grandma turns 92. And though I will not get to see her on her birthday, I do intend to give her a call later this evening.

My grandma was, and is, a big part of my life. She still lives on her own in an apartment in a retirement center about the size of Texas in Goshen, Indiana. She is very active. She still volunteers, she JUST stopped driving (she had a sporty Mercury Cougar), and though she has one of those wheeled walkers with the seat, the storage compartment, and the hand brakes (it’s not as sporty as her Cougar but quite plain……you see them everywhere now) she really doesn’t even need it. She uses it to get back and forth to the mailbox and dining area…..at 92 her apartment is at the very end of her building and the furthest away.

My grandparents have always been such a big part of my life. Just about every weekend I was down at their house, which was 20 miles from where I grew up, and all the time in the summers. So I suppose Goshen is my adopted home town, and of course my grandma’s home still.

At 92 my grandma is still the same….a comforting constant in my life. She still does puzzles, she still keeps up on everything in our family and gives great advice, and she never misses sending a card or a note. And when I was a kid she and I would sit on the front porch together eating grapes, peanut M&M’s and back then she would have a Coke and I a Fresca! You never left her house without a “goodie bag,” and even though those front porch memories are over 40 years old, if you open the first drawer on the right in her kitchen, you will find it loaded with all you would ever need to make one of those bags.

I am the man I am today because of my grandparents, and no,that is not assigning blame!!! I am thankful for it!! She even gave me advice on my stroke….she herself had a devastating one she fully recovered from in her 50’s.

Happy Birthday Grandma. I love you. Thanks for loving me and caring for me. I will see you very soon. I am so very blessed to have you in my life.

Tom+

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A glimpse of clarity…..

Though I have lived a life where I have not been a stranger to struggle, often the struggles I have dealt with have been physical, or they have been things that I can at least see or understand the path for dealing with. So much of what I have been dealing with in terms of stroke recovery however has been difficult, primarily because the issues I deal with now surround my brain! And of course when what you need to deal with is the very thing not working like you want it to, it’s often hard to see the forest through the trees.

So I left the world of specialists today, and went in to see my own doctor. It wasn’t that I was dissatisfied with anything, nor was I expecting anything either…..I just wanted to talk to about all of the things I was dealing with and how I was feeling about them with him. I not only trust him completely, but even in my professional career, I consider him one of the finest doctors I have even known. And with my racing mind, it was great to sit down with him (and my list of questions – Amanda sent a list too) and get some answers.

I have to say, he made me feel a lot better. I know I have a lot to deal with as I move ahead, but his calm demeanor, and his assurance I was going to be fine (back to normal again, though it will take time) really was helpful to me.

I think some of the comfort I found was in the fact that my visit reminded me of when I was a kid. As a kid my doctor was, among so many other things, a pediatrician, an orthopedic, a surgeon, and even a counselor…..it was before all the specialization, but in reality, they were the best specialists of all….they KNEW YOU, and they knew all about you. You trusted them, because they were like family, they always fixed you up and got you better, and they looked after all your care. My doctor today didn’t listen to my heart, he listened to me…..and he made all the difference.

So here’s to my doctor and others like them………they’re the greatest!

God Bless..

Fr. Tom+

There was a great deal of security for me to hear what he had to say, plus it gave me a great deal of confidence. I trust him

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Of victories and vision……….

Today was a spectacular day. I was able to finish a sermon, deliver it in two missions, and celebrate in both places as well. It was not very eloquent, nor was it very smooth in parts, but all things considered I was very pleased. It felt good to be back doing what I love to do.

There seems to be a lot more flow to my thoughts and my direction when I am writing, over just speaking the things that I think. The visual of writing what I would say provided me the framework I was able to walk within. It was still difficult at times, but in the end quite workable. As I said, it just felt good, and though I know people worried, it was an important step for me to take.

My sermon is now posted online for people to listen to if they would like, and other pre-stroke ones are on there too. I really do want to know if there is a big difference, but it sort of scares me to compare. You see, I can tell and I know I am not where I want to be……and though I am certainly curious, hearing myself struggle at all probably do not serve me well at all. I really do already know what I sound like, and I also already know I don’t intend to sound like that for long!

It was just so very good to be back among such good Christian people. My intention now is not just to be back, but to stay back for the rest of the time the good Lord intends for me to. I’m figuring maybe another 40 or 50 years. It gives me plenty of time to work on my thoughts and my speech….and Lord knows…..I need it!

Speaking a little clearer and straighter each and every day…….

God Bless!

Fr. Tom+