All posts by Fr Tom Tirman

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Of the incredible mountain before me…….

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Oh I know, the title of this blog entry sounds very dramatic, but the mountain is my struggles in trying to get better combined now with all the work I have been avoiding while here on my medical leave. It is piling up and the mountain is getting high I tell you! And I have to say, it is starting to bother me in a way that is NOT helpful!

So, I am intending to begin to do a little “excavation” today! After all, the idea of this medical leave is to not stress myself out. And getting at a bit of this mountain not only will give me something to do, but it makes the horizon a little more level and lots less threatening for me.

Of course this is certainly not the first time I have had challenges in my life. In my mind I have had many more challenges than I should have had. But I cannot sit around complaining about all that, I believe it only wastes time. I instead want to move ahead and meet the current ones head on!

In the past, I used music as one of the things to help me do that. I had a list of songs I would listen to and sing over and over that helped me through some very rough times. Of course like so many other things lately, I didn’t remember this until recently. Some things however are just of God. I was driving along a few days ago listening to the radio when one those songs from my list came on, and it was on a particularly bad day for me. There probably could have been no better song for me to hear then either, it was FFH’s “Lord move, or move me” The song is one of my favorites, and the chorus goes,

“Lord move in a way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.”

I sang it at the top of my lungs (with the windows up so as to not traumatize wildlife or people) but as it finished a few thoughts went right through my stroke infested mind……..

You know, too often the happenings of our lives, especially when they are traumatic, suck us in to the point that those happenings become all that we can see. The hills can suddenly look like or become mountains, and the valleys just seem to get deeper and deeper. But if we look around us our path out of this scary environment is always there, for the Lord will always help us if we let Him. That help just often begins with the admission first that we need Him.

You see, in truth, the Lord wants to help us and no one should know that more than me. He is the One constant in my life who has never let me down. And with Him, any hill, any valley, any mountain, any obstacle can be overcome. We just need to see these things from His perspective, not our own. Because He can take us over the mountains or even move them out of our way….after all, they are nothing to Him. He has the key to every lock. He can calm the seas, He can do anything…..and with Him, so can we.

So all this is to say I am attempting to do a little excavation in my life……beginning today!! Keep me in your prayers. There’s a mountain in my way, and I am asking the Lord to help me move it. But if experience is a good teacher, I just have the feeling He may instead just change my point of view!

God bless all of you!! I am looking forward to seeing you soon!

Fr. Tom+

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Of neurology, expectations, and impatience………

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I wanted to wait to post today until after my appointment with my neurologist. It just seemed easier than posting twice today, and it is helpful for me to be able to get the information out while it is fresh in my mind.

The appointment went well. He felt I was right where I should be. The struggles and the frustrations I am feeling really come from my being young and highly functional. I seem to have a lot of drive and desire to get better and with that a lot of impatience too! The effects of my stroke seem harder to me because my expectations of myself are so high. But just like any rehab of this sort, it happens in its time not mine. My body and my brain are what they are, and I am just going to have to live with them, and let them take their time!

And that too was one topic that we discussed as well. I was concerned because I felt I have not made a whole lot of progress these past two weeks. So I asked, “what if THIS is what I will be?” We talked about how that is always a possibility, but it really is an unlikely one. But despite that, I did say that I could still do it (my job and my life) if this was as good as it gets for me. It would be very difficult, but really, who am I to complain? In the whole scheme of things there are many worse things that a person can endure. After all, Porky Pig made a big name for himself despite his stutter, and I feel I owe a lot to confusion anyhow. I may just be paying the piper! For if Amanda were not a poor confused soul she might have turned down my proposal and have avoided living in all this bliss with me! So if there is anyone who needs that CT Scan it is her. But please do not let her have one…..I believe I actually benefit from her confused state!

Anyway, my next neurologist appointment is in September, so I am now just turned loose to rehab. And, I am committed to it. It has been a good day. I actually prefer my doctors to be the way they are now, encouraging, pushing away, and wanting to see me less…. verses their mid-April looks of deep concern, worry, and seriousness. How they are now makes me much less anxious, and that is VERY HELPFUL in my healing.

So the bottom line is this……. I am still plugging along and (in my mind) doing well. I appreciate your prayers and concern. And I promise, I will be back in the saddle very, very soon.

God bless!

Tom+

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Of faith, friends, and the future…..

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I really do love what I do, not because it’s a great job, but because I feel called by God to do it. There are just some things in this life that the Good Lord Himself plans for us to do, and when we find them and then do them, our lives really sync-up…after all, we are doing exactly what we were made for! A shoe, for instance, though it may work as a hammer to drive a nail into a wall, in reality is just a shoe and not a hammer. A hammer is a hammer and it works better because driving nails is exactly what it’s made for. Too often I see people in this life with no awareness of their purpose. It’s sad too. Life is so much better (and effective) when we listen for the voice of the Lord and allow Him to guide us to our call. I am thankful each and every day that I have found mine.

Of course being a priest on medical leave and not being in Church today (my second week in a row) is driving me nuts! If patience is a virtue, it is a virtue I appear to have very little of! Fortunately for me however, being a priest is a lot more than a worship service and being in Church on Sunday. (just as being a Christian is not defined by that either) Don’t get me wrong, I believe it is VITALLY IMPORTANT to belong to, and go to a Church, but “getting it” as a Christian means coming to the understanding that going to Church is for the Lord and not for you….we go to Church to recharge our spiritual batteries and support one another so that we can go out and do the important work…….so that we can be the Lord’s disciples to the world around us.

Today Bishop Ames sent over Father Kelly Irish, from Madison, Ohio to both preach and celebrate at our two Sunday worshipping missions, St. Anne’s in Anderson and St. Patrick’s in Noblesville. (Yep, they all have their own names now!) Kelly is a longtime and close friend, the godfather of the kids, and the priest who actually married Amanda and me. (It’s his fault Amanda and not mine!! I was getting a deal!!) Unfortunately, Kelly could not make it into town to do services in Nashville last evening. It was his in-laws’ 50th Anniversary this weekend, and he had commitments through late yesterday afternoon. Actually, he had commitments all through the weekend, but both he and his wife Marie thought is was important to have him be with us here. It has been great to see him, and comforting to know that he was there at the two missions today! When we were both impoverished grad students in seminary over 20 years ago I could pay him off with a McDonald’s coffee…..I am guessing this however may warrant an actual dinner for sure!

This break I am taking (the medical leave) is, and has been good for me, and I can tell. The fact that my friends (including Kelly and our Bishop) are willing (and insistent) about coming to help us out reflects the new reality we are living in these days as a Church that is part of the Conservative Movement. Bishop Frank Lyons of Bolivia always talked about creating a new DNA, and Bishop Ames speaks of creating the new DNA often as well. These clergy coming in from ong distances to help cover for me is a great witness to the new DNA too. In this new paradigm, we care for each other and we pray for each other, and we even carry each other when we need to, not because we have to, but because it reflects who we are. That is NOT the reality of the church I was used to, but thank God it is the reality of the Church we belong to now…..the Church that all of us belong to now too! It indicates, to me at least, that our future looks very bright!!

I am thankful for the clarity of God’s call that has led me to this place and in this time, and I am thankful for those of you who also faithfully follow the Lord’s path along with me. But as He Himself has reminded us, “the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few.” As we look around, clearly we have a lot of work yet to do…..

But more than anything, I am thankful we are walking along and doing it together. It’s what the Lord wants from and for us, and the best reflection of all that we are “getting it!”

God bless you my friends! I will see you all (how about in Church?) very very soon!

Tom+

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Of traveling through space and time…….

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Do you remember as a kid falling asleep in your parents’ car on a long trip? I do. You could never understand why they were so tired and looked so spent. After all, you were asleep shortly after pulling out of the driveway and unconscious most of the way. To you, it seemed like minutes, or even instantaneous. In fact, while you snoozed, a lot of miles went on that car, and usually on your parents as well.

Our son Ben often has the same experience. His carseat seems to be an amazing sleep-aid, and he sees very little when we drive other than the back of his eye lids. Of course the rest of my family is not too much better. If there were a kingdom of car-sleepers my wife Amanda would be their queen. Steph sleeps a lot in the car too. Scott WILL stay up and navigate BUT ONLY if he is allowed to sit in the front seat. I clearly live with a family of snoozers, and I am worried that it might be contagious.

Here’s why….last night, after an extremely good day for me, I sat down in our recliner to write Friday’s entry on this blog. It was probably a little after 10pm when I started, yet when I looked down to see what I had written (since I didn’t remember) suddenly it showed it was 3:50 am!!! AND, though I was certain I did, I hadn’t written a thing! I apparently needed the rest! But as you know, I am learning…..so instead of being upset or frustrated and trying to push something through, I just calmly closed my laptop, set it on the table, and went up to bed. After all, it is the second day of Neighborhood Garage Sale Day, and my wife (who is absolutely possessed by things like this) I was certain, would have us up in about 5 minutes so we could offer an “early bird special.” Fortunately for me it was one of the many times I have been wrong!

So my day went well, but my night seemed just like one of those car rides I described. I did wake up this morning with a headache, but hopefully that will be gone soon. I am just thankful for the opportunity the Lord gives me to live this, and every day. And, I intend to make the most of it!

My friend Kelly arrives tonight (he is a priest form Ohio) so that he can take the services for me tomorrow. And Deacon Dan is covering Nashville tonight. Everyone is doing a lot for us and for the Church and we deeply appreciate it.

My friends, I hope you enjoy this wonderful day…I hope not to nap (intentionally or unintentionally). I would hate to miss a minute of it!

God Bless.

Tom+

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The looming feeling of dread…..

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I have been consumed all day with worry and dread. My wife, who by most standards is considered sane, has decided that we will take part in the neighborhood garage sale this Friday and Saturday. Of course the Bible tells us to watch and pay attention for signs of impending doom and gloom……as this sale has approached, our house has been full of them!

For instance, we all had to go through our closets and take out clothes that we will no longer be wearing. This is not meant to be sexist, but this is an exercise that seems only important to girls. I am guy, and even at 46, I really can’t think of any rational reason as to why I would throw away anything I would wear. When pants rip, I wear them to mow the lawn. When shirts grow old, I cut off the sleeves and use them to play basketball or lacrosse with the kids. When ripped things go through their yard work and sports stage, they often become rags or chew toys for the dogs. But to my wife, in truth, everything seems to be an attempt to change me, though she would most likely not call it “change” as much as “train.” (good luck to her!!)

I will also spend the morning setting up tables for her and then cleaning up at the close of the day (and then do it all again tomorrow). It’s A LOT of work, but I am sure the $25.oo we will make over the course of weeks of stressful, back-breaking labor will be well worth it. After all, the hourly rate I am going to receive, I am sure, will no where near compare to the satisfaction I will receive from losing my comfortable raggy clothes and having well ordered closets and drawers! If heaven is a perfect place, I am hoping all my discarded clothes will meet me there.

Anyway, on a more serious note, I am getting better and my wife is clearly noticing. Sadly, that means the sympathy is ending and the work is just beginning. Appealing to her compassionate side probably won’t work this weekend. She loves to organize, clean, and get rid of stuff.

So I best get in line, get the stuff out, and take a shower. I don’t want to end up priced and sitting out there for sale!

I want you to know I am doing well, and getting better each and every day! Father Kelly Irish from Madison, Ohio will be here this weekend to cover for me. Come out and worship with him.

I look forward to seeing you all very soon.

Tom+

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Not for a lack of trying……

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I know I know……it is the 14th, and though it is my first post in a couple of days, it has not been for the lack of trying. I remember the evening of the 12th, with this site up in front of me, attempting to type while nothing was coming through my mind. How could it? I had an excruciating headache! The headache took a couple of days to recede, but I think in its later stages, it was probably just stress. I never had a headache with the stroke, yet every time I get one now (or any other thing) I worry about it being the big one!!! (Remember??? “I’m coming Elizabeth, I’m coming?”….let me know the show that’s from and I will send you an imaginary prize!) Yet in retrospect, I really have had no pain all the way through…stroke till now. In fact, of all the things in my life I have had to endure, having a stroke (though a serious thing) really has been not all that bad. I’ve never been in any pain, only frustration and confusion. So why I equate pain with stroke and worry about it is beyond me!

One of the things I have learned however, is to set things aside when they frustrate, confuse, or worry me. At first they would really bother me, but pushing through them without a chance of resolution only made me worse. Now when I see I am confused, I don’t, or at least I try not to, take it to frustration…I instead just let it go. Everything always seems to wait for me to come back anyway, so why worry myself to death??

I will say however, I am learning A LOT. Tomorrow I will meet with our clergy for breakfast and we will catch up. Bishop Ames has asked a few priests from Ohio to cover the next three weekends, so Father Kelly Irish will be here Saturday and Sunday to begin the process of doing just that. Kelly is a great friend and a remarkable priest, so I know everyone will love him. Of course they already do! Kelly has been with us once before last May. He will be staying with us here at our house, and I cannot wait! It will be great to see him. It means a great deal to me to see our Bishop and the clergy outside our parish stepping up to help us out. Thank God for them all!

I also got a call this morning from another friend, Father Rich Roos. Rich, as some of you may remember, had emergency surgery a little over a year ago for a torn aorta, and has fought tooth and nail, at first to survive, and now to recover. He let me know however that he is doing great. He is still in a wheelchair but continues to work at his recovery…..and he wanted me to know he is still praying for me! God bless him! Rich is one of the finest priests I have ever known, and I encourage you to keep him in your prayers as well! He is one of the good guys for sure!

To close this rambling today, as for me, I want you to know I am making progress every day, but I occasionally have a bad one (or two). Keep praying, and know that I’ll be fine. I have every intention of returning on June 1st and living an extremely long life with the hopes of being burden to my children till they are old and gray themselves…..and yep, that includes Ben!

God bless you all my friends….I look forward to seeing you soon!

Tom+

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A tale of two realities……..

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Today was the best of times, today was the worst of times……..

I love what I do, I really do, so it was very hard to not be in Church doing it today. Yep, I miss work, which probably shows that the damage to my brain is far more extensive than we originally thought. But truthfully, I had a great day. It was also Mother’s Day, and seeing the joy in Amanda was worth it all. The kids and I got her a statuette with a mom and baby, and we fortunately found one with a bald baby. Ben is a great kid, and he does a lot of things well, but growing hair is not one of them. Perhaps one day the makers of Rogaine will contact us to give him a go, but for right now he is the world’s sweetest baby with the hair of Peter Boyle. But regardless, we all enjoyed the day.

Though I didn’t get to preach or celebrate today, we will be having communion later tonight as a family. And although no one ever listens to my sermons here at home (it’s a lot like church) I do plan on taking up a collection. I love my kids, but I like to keep them on their toes. They will crack up when I set down a collection plate in front of them too…..one of the best Tirman traits is that we love to laugh! We have been laughing together most of the day!

I won’t keep all of you reading this, I know we must all have dishes and laundry to do, since it is Mother’s Day and we all foolishly promise we will take care of those things, but before I go I do want to do one serious thing. I want to give thanks to God this day for all our mothers, and for all they are to us. In truth, anyone can be a parent, because that’s just science, but it takes a special person to be a mom.

I do hope your day has been as good as mine has. God bless you and I look forward to posting again tomorrow!

Fr. Tom+

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Of fevers, farm girls, and family……..

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It is pretty ironic that I have gone on leave, especially since I spent all of last night and most of the day with chills and a fever…..I clearly would be out this weekend anyhow. I ache (probably from the fever) and have a big headache, yet I am amazed at my ability to not get things right. Here’s the truth, I picked up a bug someplace and it is having its way with me. But since the stroke, every headache I get fills me with fear that something surrounding that is wrong! What strikes me as odd is that I never ever had a headache when I had the stroke, nor do I even remember it. Yet anything different makes you worry……an ache in one place, blurry vision even when I know I wear glasses, stumbling on a word (though I have done that for my entire life), anything!

One of the things I had to do today is take my son Scotty to the high school for a band performance. Both Steph and Scott play instruments and both had to play, Steph just has a car and insisted her performance was going to “suck” and she begged us, almost in tears, not to go! It was one of the few things I have missed in her life, but more of a pastoral issue. She said half of their small ensemble didn’t show and she was so thankful I too was numbered among the missing…

Scotty I was able to watch, fever and all. He plays trumpet with the band, and they did quite a few numbers and sounded wonderful. I totally scared him however on the way home. My sister-in-law Rhonda is an Occupational Therapist and was in Indianapolis the last few days with another OT, her friend Wanda, for a conference. As I talked about them both I guess I didn’t separate things or more than likely he wasn’t listening well (we call him Captain ADD, but I clearly am the ADD King). So when I kept interchanging Wanda and Rhonda, Scotty thought I might be having another stroke!! He finally stopped me from talking and asked if I was okay. We ended up laughing, which of course I do a lot with Scott.

The hardest part of my day has been needing to stay away from Ben and my 4 year-old niece Kayla who has been here since Wednesday. I think I probably have a sinus infection, but you can never be too careful. Neither of them understand it, but for those of us with the experience of staying up all night with a sick baby or 4 year-old, we know the importance of good healthy distance!

Right now Amanda and Rhonda are downstairs being typical Kansas women….when they start to cook I have to get out of the way. (they tell me to too) They make enough food for every farm in the county, yet neither of them lives on a farm anymore…nor anywhere near one. I think it just makes them feel better, like remembering growing up. And I believe that there is nothing ever wrong with that!

I took some Advil and hopefully it will help. I am sure I have a lot of burgers and farm food to eat in just a few minutes, so I hope to end my first full day of leave headache-free and full!

God bless all of you. I appreciate your prayers and your reading this blog. It helps me a lot. Writing is the one thing I have almost fully recovered, and being able to communicate without worrying about stuttering or losing a thought is a real blessing to me!

I will see you all very soon!

Fr. Tom+

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A hard, but responsible pill to swallow…….

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First of all, I want to apologize for not posting yesterday. It was a terribly busy day filled with meetings and phone calls……AND it was rainy and dreary, reflecting much of what I was dealing with and feeling about it.

After much discussion of how I have been getting along and with lots of prayer, the decision has been made for me to go on a short medical leave, and the hopeful word is “short.” Right now we are looking towards June 1st as a targeted return date. I want you to understand that this leave has little to do with my ability to do the Sunday parts of my job. After all, I came back and delivered a sermon two weeks ago and even baptized a baby last week. It’s just that my job is much more than preaching celebrating the Eucharist at the services that people attend. We were also in the process of planting a new Church in Greenfield which was due to launch on June 1, but the work I have to deal with around that, among all my other work, appears to be too difficult right now for my mind to catch up to. So in talking about these things with our Bishop, Bishop Roger Ames, he suggested that I not only take this medical leave, but that we delay the launch of St. Paul’s in Greenfield some 90 days too….our new target launch day will be September 7th. And this takes a lot of stress off everyone.

This decision is difficult for me just a few weeks prior to launching, but I understand it completely. The more difficult issue for me is the admission that my mind hasn’t healed enough to handle everything I need to handle. My ability to handle complex concepts, and particularly stress, really were blindspots that the Lord has exposed to me over the past week. And as I have had to deal with these blindspots what I have found was that my progress (recovery-wise) in a lot of areas deteriorated. Much of my stuttering, confusion, and numbness has reappeared. An as you can imagine, all if it has upset me a great deal because I was and I am doing well in so many other areas. But the bottom line is that God gives you only one body and this is mine….I need to take care of it. I need to be better. As husband, a parent and even as a priest, my desire is to do well in all the areas I walk in. So maybe with a little intentional rest, I will get to where I need to be more quickly.

As a long time athlete and coach, I can say I always appreciate the players who are aware of their shortcomings and come off the ice/field (I say ice, because I was an ice hockey player and I am convinced that ice hockey is God’s favorite sport and what we will all play in heaven) when they are not doing well in order to further the goals of their team. I want you to understand, though I personally want to stay in the game, (believe me more than anything) I need to come off that ice, because if I don’t skate over to the box and get some rest, I know I’ll be stuttering and confused a lot longer than I need to or should. On the outside I look fine and can do many things. On the inside I quite often am fine too….but not all the time. Listen, I don’t want to be at an overall 60-70% (no longer a D but an F!) which is where I would assess I am this week…..I want instead to be back to normal. And in time I will be.

Please keep me in your prayers. I am doing all I can to make sure that we get to where I need to be. I hope to fulfill in an expedient way my wife’s constant prayer for me since the day we started dating…..”Lord, he’s not right. Just make him normal.”

Hang in there while I am hanging out! I will be back as soon as I can.

God Bless!

Fr. Tom+

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Of high waves and other challenges…….

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I am not much of a boater, nor do I ever swim in the ocean, but I can certainly relate to being out among the high waves. That’s what life feels like to me right now. It seems so very ridiculous to me, after all, I can talk and I can walk, but within just an instant, it can seem as if the waves of my life are overwhelming. What I find I both interesting and frustrating at the same time is that I am perfectly aware of it when it happens, yet seemingly helpless to resolve my situation. It’s all slow motion in those times….I know what I want to do and what I should do, but it suddenly just escapes me. We’ve all had times when we lose our thoughts, it’s just for me happening all the time, especially when I am stressed.
I often think of being with people who hyperventilate. You work hard to keep them calm, because panicking just makes things worse. I lose thoughts, things overwhelm me, I get mad way too easy, and a variety of other “goodies” follow me throughout the day. I need not panic, just calmly move through them. They will not be with me forever, just a while. I do not see them as roadblocks, but rather challenges. And I intend to conquer them all.
I will meet with all our clergy tomorrow morning here at my home and we will be having a frank discussion about all of this. I do not think I am doing too much, and I know the docs want me to be doing stuff to get back, yet my ability to handle everything I used to is just not there right now. Some things give me a great deal of difficulty, and I need to do those things when I am in a better place. Other things, like writing, praying for people, doing work that challenges me yet is not pressured, hanging out on the sidelines of a lacrosse game, changing diapers (Ben’s), goofing around with my kids, I can do now. But I am clearly missing some pieces and as we all know, the puzzle doesn’t look right, it isn’t whole, without all the pieces there.
I know this is hard to hear, but I am not yet better, and it is something most difficult to hear in my own ears. I look fine, and for the most part can act fine….I just don’t feel fine and have a lot of trouble regaining my gait after stumbling. I am still running, I just need to make sure I stay in the race. The setbacks both worry and scare me, but the best way to deal with them is head-on.
I want you to know that I am still committed to doing just that….it just looks as if I need to pace myself a little more.
After all, life is a long distance race not a sprint, and it is a race that I still intend to win!
God’s Peace to you all!
Fr. Tom+